Sakurako Lost and Regained
by AJBenway
Summary: It is about Himawari coping with the absence of her love, while Sakurako stays with her parents. It is from Himawari's point of view, as if it was written by her.
1. Chapter 1

I have corrected some mistakes that were present, particularly thanks to a specific person for helping me. It is pretty much the same content wise, aside from correcting mistakes that I have no excuse for.

* * *

It has been quite a while since I last saw Sakurako, but even so, I still think about her constantly: her resplendent, wavy blonde hair, that's always so soft and luscious. Her vibrant, beautiful brown eyes, with her slender, sexy physique. Her vivacious gait, that never fails to fill me with joy. I always love cooking for her, the smile she makes after she takes her first bite is adorable.

I could probably go on forever about every little aspect of hers that I both love, and sometimes get mildly bemused at, but I won't.

I completely and utterly adore that girl. Words are too insignificant to accurately describe my affection for her.

Almost everything reminds me of her, from the way we used to cuddle up to watch TV, take baths together, and even how certain items would mysteriously go missing. I really miss her waking me up in the morning with her energetic bearing. I have never been a morning person, yet every so often, her enthusiasm rubs off on me. She has this wonderful purifying effect, where everything feels brighter, happier, and warmer - simply by her presence.

It hasn't been the same since she left. I know she's going to come back, it's just that the uncertainty is negatively affecting both my mood and my work output: it's like I am on autopilot.

We have been together since the last day of middle school. It was a magical moment. At graduation she'd seemed distracted and refused to look me in the eyes. She had shown signs of being very frustrated, at the time I'd thought that she had simply been anguished over the graduation ceremony, which would've been very peculiar for her. But she hadn't been. I later learnt that she'd reached the point where she could no longer ignore both her homosexuality and her lust for me; she had to do something to stop her sexual frustrations from controlling her mind. I still remember it vividly:

She had avoided me as much as she could. She hadn't gazed at my breasts once that entire day, I knew right then that something must be wrong. I had to find out what. I had asked her to come to a quiet area, behind the Amusement Club, so I could find out what had bothered her.

As a small aside, I was thirteen when I'd conclusively realized that I was a lesbian and that I was deeply in love with Sakurako. I had decided that I would never try to date her, as I assumed that she would be straight, and that any attempt to confess my feelings to her would only damage our friendship. The closest I'd got to confessing was when I had made sweets for her with special, home-made bags, to try and make my feelings for her as obvious as I could. I'd thought at the time that I was content with being her friend and that this had to be enough for me, but I subconsciously knew that it wasn't. I needed more. I had wrote her several confessions, but I couldn't force myself to give one to her, so in the end I had to destroy them. Only once had I taken one of them to school, but the anxiety barrier had been too much to overcome, and I had to rip it up once I came back home.

But back to the story: when we got to the location I noticed that she was visibly shaking. She tried to act calm and stoic by asking me, in her superior tone, what did I want to talk about. It was obvious that she was uneasy. As her voice trembled, I could tell she was on the verge of ebullition.

"Sakurako, you seem to be very upset," I said. "I want to know what has troubled you so much."

"Stupid Himawari! At least have a reason before wasting my time!" she shouted, before trying to leave.

"Now I know that something is wrong, you always try to storm off without explaining anything. I really care about you and I don't want to see you so flustered."

She turned around. She had tried to retort coherently, but instead she'd started stammering. "W-what? I... N-no you don't Himawari. Nothing is wrong with me. A-and, and, I'm not flustered!"

"Then why have you turned so red? Are you unwell? Please, all I want is what's best for you."

She turned to flee.

"Wait, please don't," I said. "Remember what happened when you tried to run away from me in the past."

She stopped.

"You are about to be a high school student, you should at least try to face your problems."

"It isn't possible," Sakurako said faintly.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"Please tell me what you just said."

"I didn't say anything. Stupid boobs probably made you hear things."

"Well, it sounded as though you said 'it isn't possible'," I said as I walked up to her and put my hands on her shoulders. "Sakurako, I am your friend, I want to know what has been bothering you." I was going to hug her, but she'd spontaneously retaliated almost as soon as I touched her.

The next thing I knew was that she was facing me again, but the moment I looked at her face her eyes darted away. Her entire face was glowing with colour. Although she was trembling and looked like she was about to breakdown, she tried to hold onto her usual aggression.

"Stop it idiot! I already told you that it was nothing... It isn't possible. If I was to do anything now, everything could be lost. You could hate me because of it." Tears were already streaming down her face.

I hugged her.

She hugged me back, to my surprise.

After an unknowable amount of time, we pulled away and looked into each other's eyes for the first time that day. Her animated brown eyes were a joy to behold, even though they were glittering.

"Why do you have to be like this. You should have just gotten angry and shouted at me, like always. It'll never work out."

"What won't work?" I asked her, as I wiped her tears away.

"Idiot. It's your boobs' fault for pushing me in this direction."

She moved away from me, went into her bag, and pulled out a letter.

"I, uh, just wanted to give you this today," she said anxiously.

I still have the letter:

"Himawari,

"I wanted to write you this letter because I often find it very hard to tell someone else how I feel. These past three years with you have been wonderful and - while I did enjoy elementary school - middle school was even better. I wish I wasn't so aggressive towards you, but I found that, most of the time, it just happened - even though I desperately tried to stop myself. If you could ignore that behaviour of mine, I would be very happy.

"It always made me so happy when you baked me sweets or shared some with me. I love your home made sweets. Every time I got some, my heart panged with both delight and pain. The pain was due to an understanding that this was as close as I will ever get to you, and that I will never be able to thank you for them properly. Like you had even made me a scarf, which was incredible and I remember back then I had to ruin it by saying something stupid. But I love it so much, it is one of my most cherished _posessions_. (She spelt it wrong.)

"Thanking you isn't the only reason I gave you this letter. I did it so I could confess to you how much you mean to me, which I know I could never do in person. I love you so much Himawari. I also really do love your boobs. It _frustates_ me that I always look at them without meaning to."

After I read it, I looked up to see her silently weeping. When she realized I had finished, she said a few statements: that she still wants to be friends and that this shouldn't affect our relationship, as she needed to get those thoughts and emotions off of her chest, as they were eating away at her. I was a bit overwhelmed at that moment, so I can't recall precisely what she said.

"I love you too Sakurako." It took me awhile to say that.

I embraced her. We kissed each other; it was magical, it was perfection. Everything felt absolutely correct: I was certain that we were made for each other.

Not long afterwards, we decided that we should be in a sexual relationship together.

It was a lot of fun being together during school. Especially walking into high school hand in hand ready to take it on together - of course what I mean by that is that we pretended to simply be friends, as we were afraid of the backlash from others. Nadeshiko-san told us that we cannot tell anyone, even our closest friends. We tried very hard to act normal. I am not sure if anyone did realize the intimacy of our relationship, though Akaza-san might have - she was very attentive to things like that.

Thinking back to middle school, it honestly felt like I had been 13 for a very long time. That isn't to say that I didn't have fun, but rather that it literally felt exponentially longer, since I remember having two distinct Christmases: one where I was on a mock date with Sakurako and the other when we went to karaoke with the Amusement Club and the student council. There were also what felt like time skips. It was unusual to say the least. I don't regret it, because it helped me understand how I feel. It had been like the gods themselves took pity on us and made it so we had to realize our affections before we were allowed to proceed. Anyone reading this must think I am a bit crazy, but everyone noticed those time skips as well.

They were great times though, particularly when I spent it with the entire group. I think I got a bit lost in all of it, especially with girls like Toshinou-senpai and Sakurako, who are both hyperactive at nearly all hours of the day. Although Sakurako drops off to sleep very easily, she still does it now after all these years. It is very cute when it happens, it can turn watching TV into the most wonderful of feelings. She is so beautiful when she sleeps.

The group is still together somewhat. There are much higher tensions due to who is dating - and has dated – who. For example, during their last year of middle school Sugiura-senpai asked out Toshinou-senpai and so they started going out. Initially they kept it a secret, even if it was a bit too obvious in all honesty: like Toshinou-senpai would come to the student council room for no reason, not even to steal her pudding, and they'd walk home together or go on a date; or she'd just stop by before going to the Amusement Club. We all knew that they were dating, even Sakurako picked up on it.

They didn't last very long. I think they lasted about two months. The main reason was Funami-senpai: she got jealous and she worked out what was going on in about a day. While Funami-senpai is cool headed and calm most of the time, when she's jealous she gets very passive aggressive. Like she started not letting Toshinou-senpai stay at her apartment, and if she was in a bad mood, she would simply not let her in. It was very clear she felt betrayed by her.

One day she confided in me, she said it was because she felt lost, like she had nowhere to run: she didn't want to talk to Ikeda-senpai because she was too close to Sugiura-senpai. Obviously, she wouldn't want to talk to Sakurako. Yoshikawa-san would've taken it the wrong way. And finally she felt that it would've worried Akaza-san too much and that it could have scared her that the group could've potentially broken up. She couldn't have talked to her parents about this, as they would've told Toshinou-senpai's parents about their daughter's "choice" in romantic partners.

To sum up what Funami-senpai told me was that she understood that she was being petty, and that Toshinou-senpai can date whomever she wants, but she also couldn't help feeling that her heart had been broken. It fractured further whenever Toshinou-senpai insinuated that she was going on a date. She told me that she would've been, relatively, fine if she'd had a boyfriend, as that would've meant that there was absolutely no chance for her; and from that point on, she could've slowly forgotten her lust.

She asked me how I would take it, if Sakurako got together with Akaza-san. I obviously didn't answer her properly, as she would've known that feeling better than I, but it would've been unbearable. I would've probably spent most of my time in a depressed stupor, slowly trying to piece my heart back together. The worst part would have been that I knew I was being irrational, but there would have been no way for my heart and mind to do anything but break.

I bet the same thing would have happened as well; as Toshinou-senpai quickly understood that Funami-senpai had started to hate her because of who she had been dating. Sakurako probably would've been far more obvious, she would have asked me outright why I haven't talked to her anymore. What Toshinou-senpai did was pretty awful in my opinion: once she understood that Funami-senpai was jealous, she started to flirt with her.

I honestly don't get why Sugiura-senpai fancied her beyond this point, but she still does, it's depressing as there are far better girls out there for her.

It's not that I dislike Toshinou-senpai, it's because she's one of those girls that understands that she's hot and she uses it, any and every way she can. The exception to this is Funami-senpai, who can control her somewhat. But every now and then, she slips up and Toshinou-senpai does something she shouldn't have, they end up having a fight over what she did, and they break up.

While Funami-senpai is wallowing in melancholy, Toshinou-senpai is busy picking up more girls or trying to get back together with Sugiura-senpai: who has very little backbone, especially when it comes to Toshinou-senpai.

This cycle has taken place twice now. I never know, when I meet up with either Funami-senpai or Sugiura-senpai, which one of them is currently going out with Toshinou-senpai and who is wallowing in misery.

I really hope Sugiura-senpai finds someone else to date, she's a lovely person, but she's a bit too meek and hopeless at times. She's still young and still very beautiful, with her long violaceous hair, she doesn't have very large breasts but she still has a curvy body, kind of like Sakurako. She could get almost any girl she wants. But she wants Toshinou-senpai, and she just can't control her; she might in ten or twenty years when Toshinou-senpai wants to settle down. But right now they want different things - Toshinou-senpai wants to have fun and Sugiura-senpai wants to settle down.

And I just want my Sakurako back. No I don't want her back, I need her back. But her parents requested that she should spend some time with them, they're probably begging her not to leave them like Nadeshiko-san did: they forced her to abandon them, due to the way they handled everything.

The main thing that worries me is the fact that they have only recently found out about our relationship. It was stupid, Sakurako gave them a key to our place without telling me, even though I specifically told her that they shouldn't have a key for this precise reason.

The long and short of it is thus, they walked in on us having sex. I tried to argue some futile nonsense about us merely being naked and sounding like we were having sex with each other. I didn't really know where to go from there, but at least I tried. Her mother told us to be quiet or they'll be 'angry'. They couldn't do anything else, it was not like they could cut us off money-wise or kick her out, as she didn't live there.

I really wanted to be honest, and tell them that we are a couple - who are deeply in love with each other - and that we were actually fucking. Obviously I didn't, and for some reason we acted as if we were the ones in the wrong. But they wouldn't have talked to us ever again, if I tried to do anything like that, and Sakurako needs her parents. I just really wanted to do it, since both of us are lesbians, it only makes sense for us to stop pretending to be straight in anyway. We could never be happy with anyone but each other.

But anyway, I need to get her back. I don't know what they are planning...

There's a knock on my door. I really hope it is her. I am writing this down for my sanity's sake, it helps me get some things off my chest... without Sakurako around.


	2. Chapter 2

I am immensely irritated right now, having just forced my parents out of my place. They completely pissed me off, so much so that I have brought out the rum. I think I need it right now. They told me awful things, things that I cannot get out of my head. I need to talk to Sakurako about this, but she isn't here: so I have decided to write out what had just happened and my thoughts during that time;

As I said last time, I heard a knock on my door and I excitedly went to answer it. It wasn't Sakurako. It was my parents.

It was awkward seeing them, because the last time we talked to each other was just after they learnt about my relationship with Sakurako; they were so disappointed that they spent that entire visit crying, while asking me, "Why did [I] do this to [them]?" and "What did [they] do to deserve this?": stupid pointless questions, that are only meant to aggravate me. Unless they found the "sudden" radical shift in their perception of us, hard to deal with.

They were standing there, my mum with her long blue hair tied back in a low ponytail and my dad wearing his usual work attire, while holding onto an umbrella between them. They both looked very miserable, especially with the rain falling around them. My mother was visibly tired; it was still evident despite her efforts to hide it with make-up. My dad must have only just got off work, as it was around half eight, and he always works late or goes to the pub after work with his colleagues.

They stood there for a little while after I opened the door, before they silently made they way inside. Which was rude, I am still their daughter; at least they took off their shoes.

I still welcomed them inside, regardless of their disregard for politesse.

I followed them to the living room and we all sat down. We spent a little while in silence, while they just stared at the floor.

My mother was the one to break the silence, "Kaede asked me to give you this letter." She said monotonously. Since we were in proper lighting, I could see that her eyes had been rubbed raw; she couldn't have been crying since Sunday? What is there to grieve over, especially for that long?

"Why a letter? She knows she can talk to me whenever she wants to. Or she can ring or email me." I asked innocently.

"Just read it." My mother said.

I am not going to read that letter again, so I will paraphrase it; Kaede doesn't want to speak, see or even email me again. That is why she gave my mum the letter to deliver. Being completely honest, I don't know what to make of it: I don't understand it at all. Why would she do this?

"W- what?" I sat there in agony, trying to hold back my tears. It was clearly her handwriting, I have helped her with her schoolwork enough to know it off by heart. I even assisted the development of that handwriting. I love Kaede, in a completely different way to Sakurako, but that doesn't stop it from being almost as intense. "Why would she?" My voice became coarse, as the tears started to fall; I bowed my head to the floor to try to hide them from my parents.

"Maybe you should think about something you have recently done to betray her, or that would make her feel unsafe around you, and Sakurako?" She had a bit more emotion in her voice this time around. She was staring into me: it was very unnerving.

"What have you told her?" I asked, my voice was a bit strained. "I could never hurt her. And neither would Sakurako."

"We only told her the truth. Like us, she wants to know where her sister went."

"I haven't changed. I am still the same." I pleaded, I must have sounded very desperate.

"No, my daughter does not have sex with her friends while playing house with them!" She shouted. Her tone quickly changed in order to beg, "Please come back to us, Kaede wants you back as well."

I had to try to get my parents to understand my point of view. "Mum, dad, I... I haven't gone anywhere. I have fancied Sakurako since before I can remember and we started dating..." My mother tried to interrupt, but my dad let me continue, "Thanks dad, anyway, we started dating just before High School. I love her a lot, and we are not playing house. If I could marry her I would, and we could even adopt a child together. I love her so much and I am so happy that I'm living with her. The truth is I fancy girls, I am a lesbian; and I always have been one, so I haven't changed at all from my perspective." I probably said too much, I am still surprised that my dad let me continue.

It took my mother a little while to speak, "Well, that was a load of pre-rehearsed nonsense. Himawari, are you confused about your gender? Do you think you are a boy?" She asked, I was taken aback by what she said. I wasn't expecting anything like this and it took me awhile to understand what she actually said.

I responded weakly, "No, I don't think that I am a boy."

"So since you are a woman, you are meant to go out with a man, not another woman. You can practise dating boys with girls if you really must, but you have to eventually leave your comfort zone and marry. It is an important tradition. You can't have children with Sakurako, so what would be the point of marrying her? It is just impractical. We want grandchildren in the future, please don't deny us that right.

"But on the bright side, I have a friend who has a handsome son, who is single with a well paying job. And I asked him if he would like to date you and after he looked at some pictures of you, he said he would. So I gave him your email address. Please go out with him, or at least give him a chance; you never know you might actually prefer going out with men. He is a very nice boy and it would make me so happy if you did." When she was saying that last bit, it was like she was back to her normal self.

"I can't. I am dating Sakurako." After I said that, they both looked at each other.

"She hasn't told you? That is rude, this is why homosexual relationships aren't considered real relationships." She took a deep breath before continuing. "Sakurako has agreed to marry [I cannot remember his name]-san. So she isn't dating you anymore. She has also promised her parents that she would not return here to live, so her parents should be around soon to collect her belongings. Just remember that this is always going to happen, if you date another..."

As soon as I realized what had been said, I started crying. I couldn't stop myself at all. I was asking them why, over and over again. She kept trying to converse with me and for some reason she thought that I was faking. But I can't recall anything they actually said, it was just a mess of accusations and lies.

After about ten minutes of uncontrollable crying, I very clearly heard my mother say, "Oh, please Himawari, stop it. It was going to happen some day, the thing is you need to start looking for a man to marry as well, otherwise you may end up with a loser as your husband."

After hearing that I lost it and I began shouting at them, "Get out! Get the fuck out of my house! You don't care about me at all, you don't even fucking understand your own daughter's sexuality! So get the fuck out!"

They did get out. I obviously didn't see them out as I was too busy crying.

I had already been drinking before them came over, if you can call a pint "drinking". But because of what they told me, I got out the rum.

It helped me calm down a bit. I am still immensely depressed. If what they told me is true, then I don't know how to go on from this. The first thing I need to do is confirm it with Sakurako. I don't have the confidence to do that right at the moment, because if I rang her up now and it turns out to be true, then I am probably going to jump in front of a train.

I have to assume that they are lying, that they don't know anything about Sakurako's current mindset or what she is actually planning. Although she hasn't contacted me since she left, and when I have spoken to her, she has only replied with short answers; as if she didn't want to speak to me. It must be hard, with parents that want her to abandon her love.

What she has told me is that she feels that she is slowly winning over her parents to our side. But what that means in reality, I have no idea.

Maybe I should ring her up right now... No, I shouldn't, I just hope that she rings me or visits my little sweet shop. Which is doing very well, since I opened last year. I am keeping a close eye on it's financials and we are making more money than we need to run the shop, pay back the initial loan and live. Sometimes we make a lot more, and very rarely we only make enough to draw even and still live our normal lifestyle. But that is just business.

I like running it, I employ one full time staff to help run the shop and a part time girl for when it gets very hectic. Since it does at times. I especially enjoy making the sweets and deciding the menu. We get a lot of students, mainly due to the location of the shop, which is very close to Nanamori middle school and elementary school, it is also close enough to the high school.

The logistics of running it aren't too interesting but I do try my best...

My mobile phone was ringing and it was Sakurako.

I answered the phone as fast as I could have.

"Hey Himawari."

"Hello Sakurako."

"I miss you. I feel very lonely without you around."

"I know, I miss you so much as well."

"Really? I am glad. I was worried that you would've said that you liked not having to clean up after me and my mess." She sounds very lethargic.

"I wouldn't say anything like that, I love you. Even the untidy jumbles of clutter you make." We both giggle.

"It is a part of me. To love me is to love my mess."

"When are you coming back?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to go on a date on Sunday? It is only the day after tomorrow and I need to see you soon." I asked hopefully.

"I can't, sorry."

"Well, you know you can come over here anytime you want. I miss you so much and I really do need you."

She audibly paused. "No you don't. You are better off without me. I only slow you down. I am sorry, but you deserve someone much better than me."

"Wait Sakurako, what are you saying." By the time I said that, she had already hung up the phone. I really don't understand. What is happening? She sounds so different, her voice is the same but she sounds miserable.

I am afraid that I could lose Sakurako, and I really don't know where to go from there. All these things are happening so fast. First Sakurako leaves me, then Kaede writes me a letter telling me that she doesn't want to see or speak to me again, and now Sakurako tells me I should find someone else. I have experienced some of the worst days of my life, and even writing it out doesn't make much sense.

All I want is for her to come back and for my parents and Kaede to accept me and my relationship. I need her here, otherwise, I am a mess. I mean I almost never drink, but without her around I don't know what else to do. If my mind is sober I just make myself miserable, at least I can occupy myself with drink.

Maybe I should go out to the bar or see what the other girls are doing. Maybe they'll cheer me up. I need someone to cheer me up, because all the drink is doing is clouding my mind and it's merely slowing down the negative thoughts.

But it is not like I want to go out and have sex with another girl, even though we used to have sex regularly before she left, and now I haven't had sex for about six days. My libido doesn't know what to do, but it is not that big of a problem. The only real issue here is actually Sakurako, sexual frustration was a big problem for her back in middle school and it was the main reason she had to confess to me. She didn't understand it at the time, but when we first had sex, she told me that it was a huge relief for her: like finally being able to breathe easily again. I did notice a large reduction in her thoughts about boobs as well. Previously she talked about boobs every minute, but now it was only every five to ten minutes.

It was amazing to finally have sex with her. It is not really something that translates easily to words, but it confirmed my understanding of my sexuality. Girls are just fantastic to have sex with. The feel and taste of her vagina was unbelievable, along with how it felt to experience her fingers and tongue on my genitals.

But I have only had sex with Sakurako, so I am not very experienced with other girls, but I know Sakurako inside and out. We both know how to turn each other on and how to manipulate the other to orgasm in whatever way we choose. It is amazing, every time I have sex with her, it is as good as the first time; in some way it is even better than the first time.

Oh god, I really want to have sex with her right now.

I have to take my mind off of this topic...

I cannot believe that my sister actually wrote that letter. It is just awful to think about. It makes me so sad, I thought we were really close. We used to do so much together. We have grown slightly further apart since I have been living with Sakurako, but that is unavoidable; I still tried to do as much as I could with her.

I need to talk to her, to find out what is going on, because in all honesty I don't get why the revelation, that I am a lesbian, would matter to her at all. We are still sisters and we have such a good history together; there is no way she could think that I could ever hurt her. I really thought we had a great connection, that we both loved each other, in the way only two sisters can. But I must have been mistaken, maybe she can't remember the times when both our mother and father were working really late; so I had to cook her dinner and tuck her into bed.

I was very happy to witness her eagerly await my cooking, then thank me with her sincere, affable and tender smile. She was a joy to support.

There were several periods of time when I was the only one to look after her, when both of our parents were away on business trips for a couple of weeks. They were interesting times, as from her perspective not much really changed. It only meant that they weren't around in the morning, there were probably points when she didn't even realize they were away.

That changed when my mother decided to stop working to spend more time with us. We shared the culinary responsibilities, by alternating which one of us had to make food. Kaede declared that she preferred my cooking; which was a nice thing for her to say, regardless of the truth.

That was the level of our relationship. But the important thing is that Kaede is different than I am. Which I think boils down to the fact that when I was her age, I was looking after her; but since she doesn't have to look after anyone and is still getting supported by our mother; she isn't as independent as I am and she is far more reliant on someone supporting her. Which isn't a bad thing, but it does mean she is a bit too meek and defenceless; I bet if my mother told her that she is forbidden to see me, or if she made up a bunch of lies to deceive her into abandoning me, she would do so.

The only reason I could think of, that might have caused her to radically shift her opinion of me, is the fact that I didn't tell her about my relationship; she could've felt betrayed that I didn't share that specific thing, while we shared everything else. Although she has never told me who she fancies, which could either mean that she still doesn't think about such things, as she is only thirteen; or that she is hiding it from me.

But even if she does feel betrayed, I don't think that it would be enough to warrant her to never communicate with me ever again. I really don't think that it's that big of a deal. She already knew that Sakurako's an important person in my life; I really thought that she already knew, as it was quite hard to hide something like that when we shared a room together.

My mother stopped working during my second year of high school. Her logic was that I needed to concentrate on my studies, as they were getting harder and the homework was getting more intense; that I will therefore have less time to help Kaede out. Which I think goes to show just how little my parents were around before, they didn't even realize that I was very good at doing my homework in a timely manner, all while helping both Sakurako, with her homework, and assisting Kaede. My organizational abilities are one of the main things that I am proud of, and it does come in handy when running a sweet shop.

So since my mother wasn't around during the first year me and Sakurako were together; we would often go over my house to be alone, or at least as alone as we could get without paying. It is not like we could afford to go to a hotel to have sex, and it would have been quite far away. Because of that little factoid, I really thought she already understood what my relationship with Sakurako was.

In fact, I was so certain that she knew, I was very afraid that Kaede would casually tell my mother that we were going out or having sex. We didn't do it in the same room as her, obviously, in fact we used my parents bed when they weren't there; I did change the sheets before and after and I don't think they ever caught on.

When they were there we settled for doing it in Sakurako's room. We were always nervous that Hanako could've walked in on us; but I think Sakurako was the only girl there who was impolite enough to barge into other people's rooms without knocking; her dad wouldn't have even thought about doing something like that to any of his daughters.

We went to Nadeshiko for advice, pretty early on, as I knew she had a girlfriend. She was actually very helpful. Telling us useful things like; how to have sex as secretively as possible, how not to seem like we are dating during school and where are the best places to make out in high school. She was like a lesbian guru for us. Unfortunately her own relationship got found out five months after we first asked her, and so she ended up eloping with her girlfriend. We still keep in touch with her; but she hasn't spoken to her parents since that incident. I think that is why Sakurako's parents are being so protective, they are trying to make sure that Sakurako doesn't abandon them like Nadeshiko did.

I'm really not used to drinking rum on it's own, so I think I am actually getting less drunk by trying to drink it. But Toshinou-sempai got it for us as a present and I do actually like it, but I am not used to the throat burning effect that it has. Sakurako is amusing when she drinks, as there are two phases; the extra-hyperactive, immensely talkative and very horny period and the sleeping phase. It can be annoying to have to carry her home, but as I said, she is very beautiful when she sleeps.

I probably should go out tonight, maybe I can ring Yoshikawa-san and ask what she is doing, as I think they have Saturday off normally. Which is the main downside to being your own boss is that you have to be working almost all the time. I don't personally mind it, as I do enjoy the cooking side of it very much. But it is hard to justify, going on a date that ends at a bar with us getting drunk, when you have to work every day of the week. But you can set your own time schedules, but when you run a shop you need to be open at the optimal times to allow customers to buy things. Because we are very close to two schools, a lot of students come here, before and after school, to buy sweets. So I do open it early to facilitate them. Which was never a problem with Sakurako, as she normally gets up early. So when she was here she actually ran the store for about an hour. But now I have to do it and I hate getting up that early; it is like I am half-asleep.

Another knock at the door, that must be Akaza-san and Yoshikawa-san. I contacted them earlier to see what they are doing and they agreed to come pick me up; we are going to go have a drink together, I need to ask them a couple of favours as well.


	3. Chapter 3

I was sitting at a table with Yoshikawa-san and Akaza-san on one side and me on the other. There weren't many people here and they seemed to be mostly men, which was fine; I was not in the mood to look at hot girls or flirt with anyone.

They were very close to one another, whispering into the other's ear. The way they whispered and non-verbally communicated with each other was depressing me: I wish Sakurako was there, as we would've interacted with one another, exactly like they were doing: whispering back and forth about something or nothing. To be honest, sitting with them made me feel even lonelier than I was at home.

Suddenly, Yoshikawa-san interrupted my thoughts, "Earlier today, we had a super awkward experience when Kyouko and Yui came over out of nowhere." She turned to face Akaza-san, "Didn't they just appear out of nowhere?"

Akaza-san agreed, and she began to articulate the story; "I had just finished cleaning up after lunch and, uh," she points at her girlfriend, "she came over and..." That was until Yoshikawa-san interrupted her:

"... All I wanted was to kiss my wonderful girlfriend," Yoshikawa-san put her arm around her partner, "and so I did. I don't fully remember what actually happened but we ended up on the floor in front of the door. I was passionately kissing her, then all of a sudden the door opened with Kyouko and Yui standing there looking down at us. They should have at least knocked."

"They did knock." Akaza-san said. "So right, you came over and started fondling me. I told you that I can't because I needed to answer the door, so I sort of tried to run away... I think that you thought that I was just playing around, so you chased after me. When you caught me, you pushed me up against a wall and enthusiastically kissed me; we then slowly slide down while embracing one another. It was very reminiscent of our first kiss." Akaza-san said.

"Oh yeah. Our first kiss was magical wasn't it." She hugged Akaza-san. "It was one of the main reasons why I love you so much."

"It was a bit... um..." Akaza-san was agonized over something, so much so, that she had to change the topic, "I don't think Himawari-chan wants to talk about this: without Sakurako around she's probably going through a great deal of grief. After all, we have gathered here to help her."

They went silent and turned their attention towards me.

I had a short hesitation before I started speaking. "The thing is, I don't know what to do. I honestly thought she would have come back by now. But she hasn't. For the first five days I just concentrated on keeping busy, by working and cleaning; but now everything is spotless and it is so weird, because nothing moves anymore, everything remains where I last put it. The upstairs to our shop, where we live, was almost always in some kind of chaotic jumble of things: mostly because Sakurako stays up there, whereas I have to focus my efforts on keeping downstairs tidy, for cleanliness reasons, as we are making and storing food. But I, honestly, feel very different since she left. It is like I don't know what to do anymore."

"Why do you even want her back? Aren't you constantly looking after her and acting like her servant?" Yoshikawa-san asked, I don't think she could understand even if I tried very hard to explain it to her.

"I love her... So very, very much. She is not only hot but she makes me feel wanted; she's always so reciprocating, responding the exact way I want her to. As in not too much, that it is almost facetious, or too little. She is really thoughtful when she remembers. I know she can be a bit selfish at times, but she always tries to make up for it in any way she can. Like last year she forgot our anniversary; so the day after she bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and she tried to prepare food for me for about two weeks."

"That sounds more like a punishment than anything." Yoshikawa-san said sarcastically.

"Well, she still doesn't really get how to measure salt. A pinch of salt to her is probably around ten times more than it should be. But at least she tries. I love the way she makes me feel. She always tried to make me feel good: especially when it comes to my breasts, she adores them and she obsesses over them constantly."

"So you just want someone to spoil and look after like a child, but also have sex with?" Yoshikawa-san was not close in any respect. She doesn't get it.

"I don't want to spoil them, I only want someone who I think is sexy who also cares about me and gives me appropriate feedback. Like Sakurako is actually honest, it is one of the main benefits of dating someone kind of stupid, they never realize how to lie about small insignificant stuff, so if I ask her if I should 'dye my hair green', she will tell me that I would look ridiculous. Isn't that wonderful. She is also really sexy, particularly her physique; her slender, smooth, curvy body is very sensual. It is a remarkable thing that I like small breasts and she loves big boobs." I laugh to myself, "I'm not going to talk about her vagina, just know that I love it."

"You have already been drinking haven't you?" Akaza-san quickly picks up on the little things. She's very attentive to everyone around her; even though by this point everyone around us has realized I am drunk.

"Yeah, I have been going through the rum that Kyouko gave us when we opened the shop. It is very nice." I admit.

"I thought so, you don't normally give long monologues about your love for Sakurako." Akaza-san said.

We were talking quite normally together, despite the usual tension that Akaza-san and Yoshikawa-san have. They are a couple, but they're a couple that is under constant stress due to their personalities.

"Me and Sakurako haven't had any problems. We almost never fight, it is like we were made for each other, or know the other so well that we practically can predict what they are going to say before they do. We are also rather equal in the relationship." Even though I knew that about them, I still said this little speech. It is not as if I directed it at them; but Yoshikawa-san took it the wrong way.

"Yeah, because you two are the perfect couple. A small spoilt child and a mother that can't have kids." Yoshikawa-san said spitefully.

Akaza-san did try to stop her before she went too far. "China please don't say things like that."

"You're just going to let her bad mouth us, right in front of us. Akari, you need to learn to stand up for yourself."

She turned back to me, even though I was in a haze of alcohol and misery induced stupefaction: I did not understand anything that was happening. Yoshikawa-san said something further, that I can't really remember, but it did make me realize that this could easily erupt into a fight. So I apologized, "I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

Yoshikawa-san was still in an aggressive state though, "Fuck you and your stupid retard as well. You shouldn't be able to state that you are dating her, but rather preventing her from accidentally sticking her fingers into the electrical sockets. You probably need to wipe the drool off of her face when she is eating, don't you."

Akaza-san was still futility trying to stop her from thrashing about, but she wasn't capable of controlling her. That was what I meant with Funami-sempai, she could control Toshinou-sempai in all the ways Sugiura-sempai couldn't: Akaza-san is the Sugiura-sempai of that example. It fits in multiple ways, as Yoshikawa-san would get immensely irritated, and probably leave, if Akaza-san cheated on her; but Yoshikawa-san cheated on Akaza-san last year with Takaoka-san. (She was in our middle school class.) Akaza-san still took her back for some reason.

"Please, Chinastu, calm down! I am sorry that you felt offended but there was no reason for you to throw insults at me and Sakurako, who isn't here. So please stop, let's just calm down and talk normally." I pleaded. At that point I decided, that if she kept throwing her toys out of her pram, then I will simply leave; but with a huff she managed calmed down.

"I am sorry. I overreacted somewhat. But can you believe that Kyouko and Yui are back together. Yui is way too good for Kyouko. Yui is probably one of the hottest girls in the Toyama prefecture and Kyouko is a perverted old man. What the hell is wrong with her that she would take her back so easily, despite what she has done to her..."

I interrupted Yoshikawa-san, "Do you remember when you were in middle school and whenever you saw Funami you would run up to her shouting her name. With a loud, Yui-sempai!" I laughed while I mimicked her war cry; Akaza-san laughed with me; Yoshikawa-san was not impressed at all: she sat there with a scowl on her face;

"At least I didn't constantly fight with the girl I wanted to fuck."

"Well, you should have, then Yui would be here with us, instead of Akari," I said jokingly.

"You get far less reserved when you drink, don't you." Akaza-san asked me.

"A little bit... Maybe. I did not mean to imply I don't want you here." I replied, I know I get far less inhibited when I drink.

"Middle school was a lot of fun wasn't it. Remember when we went to the beach and we accidentally met up, that was a lot of fun." Akaza-san reminisced.

"It was fun, I remember Sakurako stared at my breasts for the entire time I wore that bikini. But, it was a massive surprise to see that you four were there as well."

"The beach was a lot of fun, I would like it if we did something again this summer." Yoshikawa-san said. We all agreed.

"We could also go and see the fireworks as well. I have a particular fondness for them, as they are very pretty. We could also get some sparklers and pretend we are thirteen again." Akaza-san giggled. We all have very fond memories of middle school, especially our first year; which, as I have mentioned before, seemed to last several years.

"They were fun times. Everything was so carefree and, dare I say, rather lazy; it was calm even in the student council. It was like it could have lasted forever." I said, reminiscing on those days gone by.

"They couldn't have, they were always going to end. It was impossible for that year to last anything longer than a year." Yoshikawa-san is the only one of us who ardently believes that it was merely deja-vu: a psychological effect rather than something that physically happened.

"I distinctly remember there being two Christmases events, one where we went on pretend dates and the other when we went to karaoke together, and the year betwixt them." I said.

Yoshikawa-san immediately responded, "No, there was only one Christmas that year, in which we went on pretend dates and went to karaoke together. We went on dates first and then we went to karaoke. I remember it clearly."

"But uh, didn't we go to Karaoke after school? So they had to be on different days, but I do remember there being a year between them." Akaza-san said.

"See, I told you. There was clearly a year between them, but we were definitely thirteen for both of those Christmases." I concluded.

"But that is impossible. Or is that just how the two of you experience everything, does every other year feel like it takes two years to complete?" Yoshikawa-san facetiously responded.

"No, it was only the first year of middle school. We have proof, when Sugiura-sempai and, uh, Chitose went away for the school trip that year, they brought back a present of a wooden sword, but they actually gave us the same sword the year before. So there were two wooden swords in the student council room. How is that possible?" I said.

"There must have already been another wooden sword in the student council room." Yoshikawa-san said, hoping to counter my argument, but I was ready for her with my rebuttal of:

"But me and Sakurako remembered that they gave us a wooden sword the year before; when we should have been in elementary school. So again how is that possible?"

"Look, I dunno. You two probably misremembered it or something. All I know, is that it isn't possible."

"Just because it isn't possible doesn't mean it didn't happen." Akaza-san responded, she is probably used to the impossible happening by now.

"I really loved middle school. It was fun." I smiled. "It was lots of fun, especially being with Sakurako," I snickered: "we were just two confused girls trying to make sense of our hearts and minds. We did it in the end and Sakurako might have spent most of it, in hormone riddled stupefaction; but when we finally embraced each other after all the uncertainties, tensions and frustrations: everything made sense. It was a wonderful moment." I spontaneously burst into tears. "But now I don't know where she is. I don't know anything about her state of mind or how lonely she feels. All I know is that I am immensely lonesome. What I really want, is to see her smile again and to feel her in my arms."

A sudden torrent of tears made my speech almost completely intelligible, I cried probably more than I have ever done before, all while repeating terms like; "I love her so much", "I need her back otherwise I cannot be happy" and "I am so lonely without her."

Due to my actions, the rest of the bar turned their attention towards us: which is a terrible thing as they are all men, and men have a very nasty habit of trying to act like a hero when they see any woman cry. Which is really annoying as this doesn't involve them, so they should mind their own business.

The next time I was aware of my surroundings, everything had changed; Yoshikawa-san was still sitting in front of me, but Akaza-san had moved to my side of the table and was right next to me, leaning: she was trying to see my face, while patting me on my shoulder. She was saying something but I couldn't hear what she said. Around our table were men, who were trying to see what the fuss was all about.

The only thing I can say is that it felt like we had been out flanked. There were men behind us, to the left of us and some in front of us. The only way of escape was blocked by a cunningly placed wall.

We were trapped. At least they were saying things that I could actually decipher; "I can walk her home [stop] let me try to calm her down [stop] she is really beautiful I can make her very happy [stop]." It was alarming to say the least. The worst thing was that I was the only one who could stop this, all I had to do was stop thinking about her. Sakurako, the most wonderful and beautiful lover of mine; my most beloved treasure who has been taken away from me. I must try to stop thinking about her...

I failed.

The men kept "trying to help" and in turn, kept aggravating us further. We had to act. Or rather Akaza-san and Yoshikawa-san had to act. They had to get rid of these enemies that had manifested from out of the bar.

I heard Akaza-san try her hardest, "Please, she has had a very bad day, so please leave it to us. We can take care of her as we are her friends." Yoshikawa-san also said the same sort of thing.

Eventually, they begged enough and so the men slinked back to their drinks.

I had just regained my composure in time to see their victory. "Why the fuck did they surround us like that?" I asked, both of them declared their innocence and ignorance. "Anyway I need to go to the toilet to try to clean myself up."

When I got to the toilet, I realized that I had to redo all of my mascara and make-up as it had bled down my cheeks.

After removing most of it, I wisely decided that I shouldn't put anymore on: since there was no reason to and I was too drunk to properly do it. I cleaned myself up, as well as I could, and went back out.

Unfortunately someone was waiting for me outside the door. "Uh, excuse me, miss, are you definitely okay?"

I really wanted to shrug him off and just go back to my table but I just couldn't be that rude to a total stranger. "Yeah, I have just had a bad week. I am sorry if I caused any problems."

"Um, it is just that I have been wanting to talk to you for a while." He blushed. "Do you own the Sunflower sweet shop?"

"Yeah I do." One of the strangest parts of owning or running a shop is that every so often a complete stranger calls you out and asks you if you remember them. It is very awkward when it happens, as you obviously don't remember them, as a lot of people go through the door and it would be impossible to remember them all. That logic doesn't stop them from doing it.

"Well, um would you like to have a drink with me some time. Like, uh, maybe now perhaps?" He asks while fidgeting.

"No. I am currently with my friends and as I have said previously, I am very irritated due to the past week. So I don't want to do anything with anyone." I try to walk away, but he steps in front of me and forces me to stop.

"I know, but I really like you a lot. I think you are gorgeous, and beautiful. I really, really want to take you out somewhere, anywhere. I think we would be really happy if we were together." I don't think even he understands what he is saying at the moment.

I say no, then I push him out of the way. He wasn't expecting me to do that, as he nearly fell over because of it.

At the very least, Akaza-san and Yoshikawa-san both found it amusing. "What the hell did he want?" Yoshikawa-san asked me. Akaza-san had returned to her seat.

"Well it should be easy to guess. The worst thing is he actually recognized me from my shop."

"That sucks. I am going to get another round, do you all want the same thing?" Akaza-san is one of the those people who is far too kind for her own good, and is always the one to offer to buy rounds of food or drinks.

"Don't worry, I'll go get it. After all, I asked you to come here."

"Are you sure, me and Chinastu are here to help you." I assure Akaza-san that I want to buy the next round. She asks Yoshikawa-san what she wants, "Okay, we'll both have the same thing as last time."

She tries to reach into her purse, but I insist on paying for the next round. Akaza-san is one of the those rare breeds of girls, who continue to resist against the harshness of the world: it is inspiring in lots of ways. The most depressing aspect of it is that she will eventually succumb to it, but I hope she continues to be the pure shining star, that she is, for as long as she can be. Yoshikawa-san is the opposite of her in that respect, she is very pragmatic and has been since I have known her. I think looking like Mirakurun is one of the main reasons for that.

As I tell the bartender my order, the man from before comes up to me and tells him, "Excuse me, I will pay for this beautiful flower's drinks." I was thinking of letting him do it and then order the most expensive thing on the menu; but since I am a business owner I know that there is no such thing as something for nothing. If I let him do that, even if he buys me a ¥20,000 bottle of whisky, he will never let it go.

I sternly told the bartender, "Don't listen to him. I will pay for my order and he will pay for his." The bartender finished the order and I paid for it.

"Why are you playing hard to get? Just let me buy you a drink, that's all."

"What is wrong with you? I don't want to go out with you because I think you are ugly and disgusting and I just want you to go away. Please, for fuck's sake." I pick up the drinks and walk back to my table.

As I arrived, Yoshikawa-san immediately said, "This is why we should have gone to our lesbian bar. It is awkward being here and I am even afraid of kissing my own girlfriend." I agree with her. "And you could also try to find another partner."

"No. Sakurako is coming back. It's a matter of when."

"So, tell us precisely what happened then?" Yoshikawa-san asks.

I tell them how both our parents found out about our relationship, and how they begged Sakurako to stay over at their house for about a week. But then they told her that she shouldn't speak to me while she is there, so now I don't know anything that is going on over there; but every time I ring her she quickly puts the phone down, saying little. After that, I told them what happened when my parents came over earlier today and what they told me involving both Sakurako and Kaede.

"So Sakurako has left you for someone else?" Yoshikawa-san asked.

"I dunno, but not long after they left she actually rang me herself and from the way she sounds, it is like she was deeply miserable. In fact I don't think I've ever heard her that depressed before. She also didn't say that she has left me; in fact she stated that she loves me and that she feels really lonely without me: so she can't have found someone else, otherwise why would she ring me at all. She would have just forgotten about my existence over time." I paused, I was not sure if I should ask them this, but I eventually did: "Could I ask you to check up on her? Preferably go to her house and try to speak to her directly. I will learn a lot even if you are rejected outright."

They both agree to do a little espionage for me.

"What about Kaede? Do you want us to spy on her as well."

"No, I will try to talk to her. I need to know why she has decided to stop talking to me now, of all times. I mean we used to have a brilliant relationship with each other." I stop again, this time it is because Akaza-san also used to have a brilliant relationship with her older sister, but her sister did something incredibly awful to destroy their bond; I just want to say that I haven't done anything, even remotely, like that. Akaza-san still hasn't talked to her since that incident; she also got abandoned by their parents and they wanted to have her arrested, but Akaza-san refused to participate: she didn't even get a restraining order against her. I wonder where she is now? The main difference was that she was living a double life, which imploded into itself. I don't really know what happened other than her older sister moved far away. "I just have to talk to her in person. I need to know why she doesn't want to talk to me."

"You could write her a letter back and post it to her." Yoshikawa-san said.

Akaza-san spoke up, "I don't know about that, it is probably a bit too impersonal; I think you should just talk to her or at least try to, so she knows that this is negatively affecting you and that you have to communicate with her." I agree with her, so now all I need to do is decide between trying to intercept her walk to or from school or go to the house. Since my mother would probably be at the house, I have to try to intercept her walk to school. Which is a bit creepy to have to write down.

"I know this is rude, but... Can you girls do this soonish? Please? I just want some certainty back in my life." My pleading was probably a bit too desperate, but I was very drunk at this point.

Yoshikawa-san said enthusiastically, "I know, why don't I email her and see if she responds. I could maybe even invite her out tomorrow or some other day."

"That's good, but make sure she doesn't know that I am with you. So try to make it casual, as if you didn't have to email her at this specific point in time."

Yoshikawa-san pulls out her phone and with her girlfriend they spend a couple of minutes whispering back and forth to concoct the perfect email. "Okay, so 'Hello Sakurako (smiley face). It has been a while since we last caught up with each other hasn't it. (sweat drop) How have you been doing? (heart)..."

I interrupt them, "No, it makes it too obvious that you know something has gone wrong, and that you are trying to sound casual. She won't respond to that."

"Why don't I just email her something along the lines of 'I heard that you and Himawari have separated, how are you doing? Do you want to talk about it with me, I will always be able to talk with you?' That sounds natural, as I have only just found out about it, and we were planning on going to see each of you anyway, so... Why don't I just write it as I normally would?" I agreed and she sent a email not too dissimilar to what she had just said.

Akaza-san spoke up and asked, "Sakurako doesn't respond to your emails does she?"

"She does, but she doesn't. She has never been the type of person who writes a lot when she writes an email, but now she writes even less. For the past week, I have been receiving one or two word replies to most of the emails I send to her." I answer. "It is disheartening to say the least. It is like they are trying to get us to separate by corrupting our communication with one another."

They might have said something at this point, but I didn't hear them at all. All I know, is that I cried out in anguish: "Why can't they just accept our relationship? Why, oh why?"

My memory, of this point in time, becomes rather hazy: but I will try to recollect what happened in the clearest and most precise way possible:

Since I was crying again, and was clearly ridiculously drunk, Akaza-san and Yoshikawa-san took the initiative and walked me home.

On the way back I might have been sick so we stopped for a little while next to a couple of vending machines. Mainly to secure some water for me.

According to what Yoshikawa-san said after they got to my house; I continued my spiel about how me and Sakurako are soul mates and how our parents should get over their stupidity and just accept us. But she might have still been bitter about something: I don't really understand Yoshikawa-san sometimes, it is like she has two sides.

I don't think Sakurako texted back.

I got to bed easily enough, and the next thing I remember after that, was an aggressive banging on the door along with my phone and alarm, ringing like hell, while dancing around my head.


	4. Chapter 4

Banging, ringing and more banging: that was how my day began. I had slept through the alarm and now my head was pulsing with the resultant fury of every decibel that had been inflicted upon me.

But for a brief moment, I ignored my problems and focused on getting ready: I needed to find my phone, as someone was determined to contact me; I had to answer the door, but I can't do that until I look presentable; so I needed to do my make-up, hair and get the uniform on. It was just a mess.

When I got a hold of it... You know what. Fuck it. I don't want to write about my shitty day of shitty things happening to me because I am in a shitty mood. I am going to write about happier times: our first Christmas as a couple.

The lead up to it is important, because we hadn't talked about it until Toshinou-sempai brought it up.

During high school we regularly had lunch together with our group from middle school, as long as we weren't needed by the student council or anything else. So it was usually the eight of us, the seniors would come into our classroom and we joined our four tables together, although sometimes a couple would go missing.

One particular day, almost two weeks before Christmas; Toshinou-sempai brought up that we should do something together, in her usual enthusiasm:

They were talking about something unrelated, while I was busy eating my food and so was Sakurako. All of a sudden there was a loud noise: Toshinou-sempai had banged on the table with both of her hands and said, "Let's do a group event for Christmas!"

A split second after that, Funami-sempai scolded her for having scared half the class; which prompted her to respond, "Sorry, sorry. I just needed to get everyone's attention."

"Okay, next time only get ours, not half the school." Funami-sempai rebounded.

"But I am so pumped just thinking about it, I mean after all, this is going to be the first christmas, in high school, with our precious group. So I think because of that... We should do it on Christmas day!"

That last bit forced me and Sakurako to stop eating and look at each other. I didn't really pay attention to what Toshinou-sempai said after that, as she had a tendency to go on for a bit, eloquently articulating nothing; she still does it as well.

That was until Sakurako awkwardly spoke up, "Uh, Toshinou-sempai. I already have to do something on Christmas and, uh... So does Himawari, so... Can we do it some other time, maybe?"

At that point I panicked: I was not sure what to do, as Sakurako had just told them that we are dating one another and therefore cannot do anything with them, as we are going to be on a romantic Christmas date. But if I opened my mouth, to try to damage control, it would have solidified the fact that we were dating.

I was very afraid that we would have been bullied or ostracised if we were discovered to be in a homosexual relationship; not by the group, but by everyone else: our group was clearly fine with lesbians because we were possibly one of the gayest groups in Takaoka and maybe even Japan.

So while I was fretting about that, Toshinou-sempai was talking, "What? Is it really more important than spending time with our beloved group. I thought we all made an oath when we joined? Or does that mean nothing to you?" Funami-sempai scolds her again, "Why do you keep slapping me? I thought you ' _wuved_ ' me?"

"Because you keep doing ridiculous things." She blushes and turns to Sakurako, "I don't know why she suggested Christmas day itself, but of course we aren't going to do the actual christmas day. We need to work out a day when we are all available."

In response, Toshinou-sempai said, "Yui, why are you being so boring. We could have easily done it on the actual day, as the amusement club is the most important part of all of our lives! Now let us sign 'The Amusement Club Anthem'."

Akaza-san spoke up, "I don't remember one ever being made."

"Akari! I can not believe that you would have forgotten our beloved anthem. I am shocked: I thought you were a diligent member."

"Eh? Sorry, I didn't mean to forget but I was certain that you never came up with one."

Toshinou-sempai shook her head, "That is no good Akari. Now," She grabbed hold of Akaza-san and, for some reason, started speaking in English, " _Repeat after me_."

Toshinou-sempai began to very enthusiastically mime sing, while Akaza-san looked on with perturbed disbelief. Me and Sakurako turned to each other and we simultaneously gesticulated our ignorance and embarrassment; I don't think I will ever understand Toshinou-sempai: she works in ways that I cannot fathom. She is also nothing like Sakurako, other than they are both blonde and energetic; but Sakurako's colour is more dirty blonde, and Sakurako is significantly more beautiful and adorable, anyone can see that.

Yoshikawa-san monotonously said, "What are you doing? You look like an idiot."

"Chinastu! How dare you say such blasphemy against our beloved group and our glorious anthem!" Toshinou-sempai said superciliously.

By this point, Funami-sempai had had enough of this kerfuffle, so she stated, "Just admit that there is no anthem and that you were mime singing already."

"You too? I can not..." Just as she was beginning her spiel, Funami-sempai raised her hand threateningly. "Oh, don't... Okay, there is no anthem." Which forced Toshinou-sempai's hand a little. Although it didn't take long for her to bounce back, "But that doesn't mean that there isn't one in our hearts."

Sugiura-sempai and Ikeda-sempai were sitting next to us. Sugiura-sempai was currently depressed due to what time of year it was, which was caused by Toshinou-sempai not going out with her. At the time, I wasn't aware of what was going on and it was very confusing as to specifically who was dating who, but she had been down since September.

While they continued their conversation about something or whatever, Ikeda-sempai asked us, "My, so what are you girls doing for Christmas day then?" She giggled afterwards.

Sakurako blushed while I continued to avoid eye contact. She elaborated further, by telling us that we shouldn't be shy. That prompted Sakurako to speak, "Uh, I don't know what Himawari is doing... but, uh, my sisters want to do something together on the day."

"I think you need to be a little more specific than that." Ikeda-sempai said gleefully.

Sakurako started verbally fumbling about, she was probably desperate to get out of the room as fast as she could. Just as she was on her breaking point, a voice spoke up.

"Just leave them alone Chitose." Sugiura-sempai said lethargically.

Ikeda-sempai obeyed her command. These weren't good times for either of them, as, for some reason, both of them wanted Sugiura-sempai to be with Toshinou-sempai. Which ignores the fact that they had a much better bond than Sugiura-sempai did with Toshinou-sempai. Love is a mysterious thing, and like heterosexuality, I don't understand it at all: but all I know is that they make more sense, as a couple, than Sugiura-sempai does with Toshinou-sempai.

As I have mentioned before, I don't dislike Toshinou-sempai, I really don't think many people could actively dislike her, but she is a very peculiar individual and I really think she needs someone who can calm her down; which is very similar to Sakurako's personality since she also needs someone to calm her down, which I do quite well. But Sugiura-sempai doesn't calm her down, and as a result, it tainted their entire relationship.

But enough about them, (although in this case it was my thought process at the time) Sakurako is still glowing at the other end of my table. I called out her name and she looked very confused. I know that we had been told by Nadeshiko that we should avoid speaking to each other too much; but we did conclude that if we didn't speak to each other at all, then we would attract the same amount of attention, as if we were overtly affectionate with one another.

Since she was clearly suppressing her emotions and, looked very cute while doing so, I just smiled at her.

I kept smiling at her.

After about a minute, she was squirming in her seat trying to subtly force me to stop. I probably should have, but the more she squirmed the more adorable she looked. It was bliss.

I probably should have stopped after about two minutes, because I am very certain that everyone was looking at us; not only the ones at our table, but the entire class. From my vantage point, at that time, I didn't notice anything but my beautiful girlfriend's internal panic; I loved it.

To the rest of the class, since we were known as the two who always fought with each other, it must have been very strange to see us get along. Even if it was a very strange version of "getting along".

Eventually Sakurako regained her composure and she monotonously stated, "Himawari, stop smiling: it makes you look creepy and weird."

This might have just been my imagination, but it seemed like the entire class took a collective sigh of relief: as order has been retained. I replied by telling her to not be so miserable.

We finished our food and continued our usual discussions. If you were there, you could be forgiven for thinking that it's merely instantly forgettable nonsense that only made sense to Toshinou-sempai: but that is the truth. It was a lot of fun looking back to it.

Lunch ends and as I pulled my desk back to it's normal position, I realized there was a note. I picked it up, it was from Sakurako; "Please, don't ever stop smiling". That note is now very precious to me, which might be a bit weird: but Sakurako finds it so hard to be vocally honest and it is lovely seeing an honest, written version of her thoughts.

When we were walking home I brought it up and while she was blushing she said, "I only wrote that to make sure that you realized that I didn't mean what I said. Which I only said to stop the group from thinking that we are... more than friends."

"You don't have to say it like that, just say that I am your girlfriend." I playfully said.

"Not in public." She said with her eyes downcast. "I am sorry."

I grabbed her hand, "You have nothing to be sorry for. Now what are we going to do for Christmas?"

She responded by looking around us: she gets very paranoid when we are in public. "I don't want to discuss this out here."

"Why? It is not like anyone is going to care and if they do, we just need to confront them and stand up for ourselves. We are going to have to do it someday, unless you always want to be hiding."

"That is my plan." I stopped: I couldn't believe what I heard. I asked her to restate what she said. "Why? Why do you want anyone else to know?"

"It is not that I want anyone else to find out, but rather that they will eventually find out. Unless we spend more time worrying about what people see and think and if we do that, we aren't being as close as we should be." I grabbed her, "We should be proud of our relationship with each other, not forced to hide it: it shouldn't matter what other people think."

"Okay! Let's go tell our parents the good news then." Sakurako sarcastically said.

I let her go and we started walking again. "Just because I wouldn't tell my parents doesn't mean that we should pretend to hate each other for the rest of our relationship. I love you, and nothing should come in between me and my unending desire for you."

"I just find public displays too embarrassing."

"Well yeah, but it depends what it is. Holding hands isn't embarrassing, or when we link arms. "

"It is a bit." She retorts. "I just don't want rumours to spread and if one of my mother's friends see us doing anything, even remotely gay, they will tell her. The worst thing is that I know what will happen after that; it will end with me and my mother hating one another... We may never speak to each other after that point. I am also really worried about how this will affect Hanako as well."

As a small aside, that reminds me that Kaede is in the same situation that Hanako is in: I should see if I could talk to Hanako as well, as she should know something about the two of them; even if she hasn't noticed any difference in their usual act.

"You are taking this very seriously."

"I am surprised that you aren't. It is mostly to do with the fact that Nadeshiko tried to make my mother understand, but she couldn't. So now she is planning on leaving the country for a while. She also stated that she will never speak to my mother again, unless my mum apologizes or begs.

"But the last thing she told my mum was that her other daughters are also gay, and that she should get used to not having any "real" children, if this is how she handles it." She said sombrely.

"Sakurako... everything is going to be fine. I know it." She asked me how could I be so certain. I put my arm around her and held her to my boobs. "As long as we are together I am certain we can get through anything, even if we don't have any parents by the end of it all."

That just made me very sad. The worst part is that she knows it to be true, yet she doesn't sneak back or tell her parents to fuck off.

I really think I hate them, not my parents but hers: it's mostly to do with what their actions have lead to and partly to do with how they treated Nadeshiko. The only way for me to actually forgive them at this point is if they beg for my forgiveness. Otherwise I will just pretend to get along with them.

I couldn't write anything further and I just sat there for about two to three hours. I couldn't move or write, I was overcome with grief.

Until a certain someone actually came to the door, guarded by her parents. What happened only makes sense if I actually wrote about what happened today. Which I now have to do.

Writing down happier times will have to wait.


	5. Chapter 5

I hated this day. It might actually be one of the worst days I have had since I can remember. It started badly, because I was unable to get out of bed on time, and it just kept getting worse.

Previously I wrote down that getting up was problematic: My phone and door were being metaphorically assaulted, which didn't help my massive hangover: it felt like my brain was pounding against my skull. I was very thankful that I didn't put any make-up on, as what was left made me look about ten years older; I need to remember to never do anything when I'm drunk. I forgot to put my hair down and because of that, my hair was in crisis, with split ends and most of it seemed to have stuck together; I might have ripped out at least ten percent of my hair in frustration: it just wouldn't comb normally, every brush stroke was met with resistance. In the end I badly did my pigtails, took off the rest of my make-up and put my uniform on: I looked like I had been dragged through a hedge. It would have to do.

The reason why I needed to look presentable was that I couldn't think who would be at the door. When I got a hold of my phone I realized I could just phone them back whenever, so it wasn't as important as whomever was at my door, as they were very determined to talk to me.

I was secretly hoping that it would be Sakurako; she could have "lost" her keys, or maybe her parents stole them and now she wants to come back.

Unfortunately, they didn't stop ringing me; which definitely added to my headache.

I rushed downstairs and opened the door. Only to see Hitomi standing there on her phone. It took a moment for me to realize what had actually transpired:

I had massively overslept and, because of that, I missed the opening time by a full thirty minutes. The only oddity is that I don't get why she didn't open it with her own key.

She started scolding me immediately, but I couldn't understand at the time, as reality was slowly sinking in. Hitomi was my first employee, she's reliable and rather normal. She did well in school and went to a short two year college hoping to find a nice guy and get married. She didn't find anyone good enough to marry and so she was forced to find a job while she tries to find Mr. Right.

"I have been waiting here, continuously ringing your doorbell and your mobile. In another ten minutes I would have phoned the police or ambulance, as you must have been killed or had a medical emergency."

"I am really, really sorry. I overslept. I promise I won't do it again." I said pathetically.

"I was really worried." She said, as she came inside and we both began to get everything organized. "It is a shame that we missed the early rush though, there were a lot of people with me at one point. But all of them had to either go to school or work."

"Why didn't you open the shop? I gave you a key didn't I?" I asked, confused.

"You did... It is just that normally the shop is open when I get here, so I haven't actually used it. I do remember putting it in my bag but when I tried to find it earlier, it wasn't there."

"Please try to find it, if you can't, I have to get another one made."

Unfortunately, she had to ask, "Where is Sakurako? She normally sets up the shop and opens it, doesn't she? It is just weird to have to do this. I know that you've been doing it for the past week. But for some reason I assumed she would've been back by now."

I didn't answer her.

Silently, we got the place ready. It only took about ten minutes when both of us worked together.

I thought to myself that this would be a lot of work for Sakurako to do on her own, I always assumed that they did it together and that she got up to find Hitomi downstairs, cleaning away. But according to what she said, Sakurako must do all of the cleaning and setting up, because I don't have any complaints when I come down, which is usually around this time.

As I have said previously, I really don't like waking up. What normally happens is: an alarm clock wakes both of us up, Sakurako then gets ready and goes downstairs, while I slowly mentally prepare myself for the day ahead.

After we opened the shop, I asked her, "Are you okay being on your own? It is just that I need to put some make-up on. I am very sorry, but I did try to come down as quickly as I could." Hitomi told me that she was fine as this is one of the slowest times for any shop.

Not much really happened after that, just the usual flow of customers.

After I came back, we only spoke to each other out of necessity. I kept moaning to myself in the corner, while I slowly adjusted to my hangover. I felt like shit.

Eventually, during one of the quiet times, she began to talk to me again; "Himawari, did you have a fight with Sakurako?"

I bluntly replied, "No."

"Has she found another place to live? Or a boyfriend?"

I didn't speak for a little while, I needed to make sure that she understood that this, specific question, will always be an awkward topic for me. "No, she is just staying with her parents for a little while."

"Then why does it feel like you are so miserable?" I tried denying it; but before I could have said anything contrary, she continued, "You are. But not only that, today you are quite clearly hungover. Is that merely a coincidence? Or are you upset that your partner isn't here?"

"I am not going out with her! I am not a fucking lesbian, that would be weird, wrong and just gross." I probably reacted too quickly and aggressively.

"I didn't actually say that, I meant that I thought you two were running this place as partners." She said innocently.

The awkward silence returned. Why did I misunderstand what she said. It is annoying how if I was straight, I could easily be open about getting abandoned by my partner and it wouldn't matter. But because I am going out with a girl, I can't be open about it, unless they know; but I can't let her know otherwise she might quit and I can't run this shop on my own.

I was really tempted to just tell her the truth, as I couldn't be fucked to try and work out a logical excuse, that isn't completely bullshit.

"Look, just don't ask about her or why I am currently depressed or..." I didn't know what else to say. My head was killing me. I don't normally drink that much and I am not used to dealing with hangovers. "Can you please stop talking about her." I started softly crying for some reason; I didn't even mean to, but my body caused the tears to flow down my cheeks. I was desperately trying to stop her from noticing, so I blocked my eyes with one of my hands. Obviously, I kept talking rubbish regardless of what my body was doing. "But this has nothing to... do... so stop talking... she is just my... child hood... friend." It was very hard to speak as I was also hiccuping throughout my little speech.

She said honestly, "Are you okay? I am sorry if I have offended you or anything..."

I badly excused myself and went back to the living room, I had to try to calm myself down, but I was in the place where Sakurako used to spend a lot of her time: reading manga, watching TV or anything else that could be done here. She often sat with me and either Hitomi or, my other employee, Sara at the front of the shop. Her behaviour was very predictable as she would normally be wherever I am, so if I was cooking she would be in the kitchen and if I was cleaning she would keep me company: we really enjoyed each others company, it could make very mundane tasks, like cleaning the oven, sort of fun, as we would do it together.

There are lots of pictures of me and Sakurako scattered around the living room. We look so happy. These are all precious memories. One of them was a picture from my phone that I took on our first christmas together; I would much rather be reminiscing about that, it was such a wonderful experience.

I had already taken some paracetamol, about an hour ago, but my headache was exactly the same. I really don't get why I drunk so much. I really should have not drunk as much rum as I did. I know it is simply to distract me from spending every waking moment either reminiscing over the past or thinking about how lonely, sad and pathetic I am. The worst part is that I understand that this is illogical, not only has she not actually left me but she will be coming back. So all I have to do is distract myself until then, hence why I was just working until yesterday, but I ran out of things to do. I made a really exquisite cake that I put in the window until it was bought only six hours after I finished it. I was up all night making it. I did make a lot of money off of that one cake, but it also takes a long time to produce it. It is helpful to know about different things that I can do to pass those difficult moonlit hours.

It was a nightmare trying to sleep the night after she left: the bed felt so empty. My mind was racing with thoughts. Horrid thoughts. The longer I laid there, the worse the thoughts became. I even ended up thinking about killing myself. I have no intention or desire to end my life, but that was where my thoughts had headed. I needed to get up and do something, anything. As anything was better than lying there.

The most important thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that we are still each other's girlfriend. But it's annoying, it feels like paradise itself is in sight but it's being forcibly kept from me. There were so many fantastic times before, when we were together; we could've done anything we wanted to. Like tomorrow we planned to have the day to ourselves and, if the weather held up, we were going to take a stroll along the beach and have a picnic along the way. Then afterwards we were thinking of going to a restaurant to have a romantic dinner together. Obviously we were planning to have lots of sex with each other afterwards. But now, thanks to her fucking parents, we won't be having lots of sex with each other; which is an irritating prospect, as I really want to fuck her right now. If she was to come back I would declare that we need to have sex as fast as we can undress.

I spent a long time thinking to myself, anxiously waiting for Hitomi to ask for my assistance. That didn't really happen. Instead she came in, smiling as she did. She didn't say anything, all she did was to look back with a sly smirk.

As she faced me, she said, "Himawari, there is a... cute guy asking for you. He said his name's Kenta."

I was bemused, "Who? I don't know a Kenta." It was very shocking, I don't know any guys. I am not even friends with any. Not because I hate men or anything, but rather that guys have never tried to be friends with me; they either try to date me or ignore me.

But I had no idea who this man could be and I was in a state of confusion as she went away to tell him what I said. The only person I could think of is this random guy who keeps emailing me, asking if we could go on a date. I think he mentioned that my parents gave him my address. Currently I have just ignored him, but it could only be him if my parents decided to give him my address; but since they are currently denying my existence, I doubt they would.

She called my name and told me that it would be best if I spoke to him myself, as he refused to move unless he speaks to me. She was also giggling like she was infatuated. Please don't tell me I actually rejected an attractive guy. It is one of the worst parts of being secretly gay, and around people who don't know, is that it is hard to bullshit people who know. For example: I am certain my group in school wouldn't have cared if I rejected a guy who was hot, as none of us understand what that means; but if one of us rejected a really hot girl, everyone would be thinking that they are clearly straight. You just can't get around this fundamental logic. Basically I don't know how to act like a straight girl, and she must have immediately picked up on that fact; I am not sure how she will react to such terrible knowledge: I just hope she don't go too insane over it like my parents did.

It really isn't fair that I have to hide my sexuality. I know I could proudly state it constantly, like I do when I am pretending to be straight, but that would make me seem rather weird; although for some reason no one thinks that I am weird when I constantly state that I am straight. I need to carefully plan when I come out to anyone, regardless of who they are and there are some people who I never want to find out the truth: both of my employees are part of that group; which was why, as I was walking towards this "cute guy", I was vexing over the fact that she now knows that I have to be lying about being straight. So because of that, I needed to act as if I do not fancy any gender.

As an aside: I hate this fucking crappy, shitty day. I fucked this part up so badly that I am now really worried that Hitomi won't come to work tomorrow. So now I have more reasons to dread going to sleep tonight.

But anyway, as I walked into the front of the shop, I paused: it was that fucking guy from yesterday, the one who was painfully flirting with me at the pub. I really wanted to punch him right there and then just walk away. Instead I looked over to Hitomi who was smiling at me, as she said, "I think you two should get some privacy."

I was in a weird state at this point: I had a lot of thoughts flowing in and out of my alcohol damaged mind.

He might have said something.

She might have either said something different or another sentence or two.

I was in a state of stunned silence. I was certain I rejected him about three times yesterday. In fact, I am certain that I told him that I find him repulsive.

"Himawari?" He asked me.

"Sorry, I don't really know what is going on." I said, trying to avoid his gaze. I really don't get how she can see him as "cute"; it is baffling, unless her definition of "cute" is ugly as fuck, otherwise I have no idea.

He softly laughed to himself, then proceeded to ask, "Why don't we go in the back? For some privacy." He smiled; his smile was ugly.

I shook my head. "I don't even know why you are here. So unless you have something important to tell me, I would prefer it if you left. Please."

"I am here for something really important. At least to me. I need to make sure that you are okay; you drank a lot last night and I was extremely worried. Someone could have tried to take advantage of you or something."

I tried to end his charade by coldly stating, "Leave." But as I turned my head, I realized why he was here. He had bought a bouquet of flowers for me. "Why have you bought me flowers? I rejected you so many times last night."

"The reason why I have is that, I really think I love you. You are so beautiful and amazing. I really love how aggressively you tease me, it is wonderful. It works so well because you are so sexy, everything about you is absolutely sexy. So I want to get to know you better, I even think I want to marry you right now."

"Why? What aspect of me, aside from the fact that I am "sexy", do you like?"

He stammered for a bit before answering, "Well, I... Like the fact that you are very opinionated, that you don't back down easily and that you are not only a good cook but also organized enough to run a store." I was very annoyed that he managed to answer that without looking like a idiot. I was hoping he wouldn't be able to answer it coherently and so he would have been forced to leave in embarrassment.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know anything about you and I don't want to. I also don't remember giving you my name, who told you?" I asked, sounding very irritated.

"Do you not remember?" He laughed, "You told me it last night. I just really want to get to know you."

I was bewildered at this point and started tearing up. "Can you just leave."

Unfortunately all of this nonsense had attracted a bit too much attention: I was only just becoming aware of everyone's bemusement. I really felt like everyone was judging me, especially Hitomi, even though she was busy serving customers.

"I will if you agree to go on a date with me." He said, as creepily as he could have.

I stared at him with complete disbelief. I was half tempted to just walk away and let Hitomi deal with him, but I would hate it if she actually went out with him: after all she did call him "cute".

I turned away and when he called my name I looked back; he was suddenly holding the bouquet of flowers. I took them off of him and immediately dropped them in the bin. "Please leave my store. You haven't bought anything and the only reason you came here was to annoy me. So please go away. I am really not in the mood to continue this conversation." I monotonously said.

He looked defeated and after one final pleading, he eventually left.

I was totally right about them judging me. After a minute or so I tried to run away, back to my living room, as my headache had somehow worsened; but Hitomi and two other customers, who looked like they were both middle school students, started talking to me.

One of the girls said to me. "Why did you reject him? I mean I would've gone out with him even if I was already dating someone."

I retorted. "I just don't want to go out with anyone right now."

Situations like these are difficult for anyone, but they are manageable by only talking when you're required. It is important to think through every single word and even the type of sentence that you are going to use: it is also a good idea to go over the top formal, which is my usual speech when I am not hungover.

"Okay, but what type of guy do you like?" Hitomi asked me.

Unfortunately I answered it very stupidly; "I cannot answer that question."

They all laughed at my response, and I made my first attempt to break away until they called me back. One of the girls asked me, "Don't be shy. I know you aren't feeling very well but; do you like tall guys? Funny guys? Big, slim, and what colour hair do you like? These are questions all girls have answers to, so there is no reason to be shy."

"I dunno. What kind of guys do you fancy?" This is normally a good thing to ask as you can try to turn the conversation away from you.

"Well, tall, smart men with a well paid job and who are nice but not too nice. He also needs to not look effeminate, that is just weird. My taste is pretty much exactly like [already forgotten his name and I cannot be bothered to turn over the page], he seemed rather sweet."

"Stalking is rather sweet?" I asked sounding bemused.

"If he is cute then it is fine. I don't know why you didn't at least go on just one date with him, he seemed really into you." I don't get this attitude, even if a really hot girl stalked me, I would still be freaked out.

"No, if anyone, doesn't matter who, stalks me, I would probably never consider dating them unless they apologized for doing it."

"Anyway, we need to get going. Thanks for the delicious sweets," Thankfully those girls decided to leave. We thanked them both for shopping, as we were both left alone in the shop.

I quickly turned to leave again, unfortunately I was interrupted by Hitomi: "Himawari... Are you feeling okay?"

"I just don't want to talk to anyone. My headache has become significantly worse. I know, I shouldn't have drunk last night, but... I don't have an excuse actually. I am very sorry."

She might have said something else but I did not catch it, since I finally escaped.

At the time I was really miserable: so much so that I started thinking that I should just give up on my sexuality. The most important reason is that it has caused almost all of my current problems. I know I wouldn't be with Sakurako, if I was straight, but I would still be her friend. She would have still tried to ask me out but, instead of dating her, I would have rejected her. We probably wouldn't have spoken to each other for about a week and then we would just go back to being friends. I would have supported her and helped her to find a girlfriend and she could have helped me find a guy. It would be so much easier than it is currently.

Just because I am a lesbian doesn't mean I can't date a male. I just don't want to have sex with them, so my hypothetical relationship would be a sexless one where we would be "partners" rather than lovers. We could easily have children, all he has to do is give me a sample of his sperm. For me to be happy in this hypothetical relationship, I would need to be able to go out with women otherwise I'd be having a constant affair: as I would have to secretly fuck women behind his back. I might actually consider doing something like this if Sakurako actually dumps me for a man. I think I will always love Sakurako.

I hear a noise from my phone, it appears that I have an email.

It is just from that guy my parents gave my email to; I really hope they don't give him more than that. I have decided to not communicate with him in any way, not even to tell him that I am not interested. The reason is that I think it is amusing, so I won't block him yet. For some reason he hasn't given up and his last email sounds very desperate: how ugly does he have to be to write something so pathetic, surely he should just move onto another girl. I won't bother to write out the email, it is not as if anyone is going to read this.

The other scenario was suicide: I really don't like how it keeps coming into my mind. It would be pretty easy though, just go to a tall building and jump off. But I can't, it is a ridiculous way of thinking, but it keeps coming back. I could even hang myself. I would simply need thick, good quality rope. It just keeps coming back into my head, no matter how many times I logically beat it down. I wouldn't mind having a failed suicide attempt, that way, if she does dump me, I could use it to illustrate how much she hurt me. The only downside is that, if I died, she would probably spend the rest of her days living with the knowledge that she caused someone close to her to kill themselves or she would join me: I really don't know how she would react, maybe she wouldn't give a shit at all. I only hope she wouldn't kill herself over me.

"I need to stop thinking like this. Not only will Sakurako not dump me but I bet this will all be over pretty soon." I remember thinking that around this time. At least it made me feel a bit better.

I began taking a stock check to see if I could actually do something constructive to stop my thoughts from going back into the depths of despair.

For a time I was actually doing pretty well, Hitomi would call me when she needed my assistance. But just as I was getting everything together to make some more madeleines, Hitomi called me into the front.

It took me a little while to recognise who was in front of me; it was Sakurako's mother and father. They were standing in the middle of my shop, looking very agitated. There were some other customers who were very bemused by their presence and therefore they had to manoeuvre around them. I think they had been standing there for a while, probably until Hitomi asked them why they were just standing there. It is very confusing as to why they didn't knock on my door, instead of trying to barge through the shop entrance.

For a while we were merely staring at one another. Before we were found out, Sakurako's mother was very kind towards me. She was rather playful and was always willing to help, especially if we forgot something or ended up missing the train because of Sakurako's ability to get distracted by mundanity: it was a cat most of the time. In hindsight, it is rather amusing, as she did assist us on several of our dates that nearly had to be cancelled; which was almost always due to Sakurako, she has this amazing ability to remember the pointless and forget the vital; I did't mind, as long as she kept on looking sexy. Although everything became a lot smoother when we started living together: since I could be in charge of the vital and she'd remember the pointless. We made a very good team: like when we went camping, she would remember the Sake and I would remember the vital camping equipment.

But now all that remains of what used to be an amazing relationship, is our memories. As I have stated before, I think I actually hate them: the way they greeted me is just more justification;

"Furutani-chan. How do you even keep on living?" Sakurako's mother asked me.

"What do you mean?" I replied. I didn't want to start shouting at them, "I am finding it very hard without my beloved girlfriend", because if I did that then my employee and customers would know for certain that I am gay.

"Isn't it obvious? You manipulated and abused one of your friends, who just so happen to be our daughter."

I really wished they didn't try this in front of my shop. I don't want people to think that I am a horrific monster, who abuses and manipulates people. I responded, "I never did anything like that. But can you come around the back and we can talk in private."

"Why? Your customers and employee deserve to know the truth. After all you might have tried to sexually assault her."

I really didn't know what to do other than try to get them to leave. "If all you have is interpretations of what Sakurako has said, then leave. Please. This is all nonsense."

She laughed, strangely Sakurako's father did not; in fact he hasn't said anything and barely even seems like he was there. I really hate him for something he is going to do later. But anyway, "Of course you would say that. You did force her against her will to have sex with you. So maybe she doesn't want to see you ever again?"

That last bit affected me significantly more than it should have. Which might have made me fumble my words a little:

" _Wha_... Why would you say something like that? I have never done anything that would make her never speak to me again, unless she was forced to."

"Are you really so awful and single minded that you never realized that she hated doing anything sexual with you?"

"I am not single minded, I deeply care about her and would never force her to do anything she didn't want to explicitly do. Why do you even think that I had to have done anything like that?" I asked innocently.

"It is obvious: homosexuality isn't natural, it has to be learnt. It is either caused by a lack of parental love, specifically maternal love; or it is caused by abuse. Since Sakurako and Nadeshiko both had plenty of love from both of us, it had to have been "taught" to them. I think that you "taught" it to Sakurako, as you were seen by her as a mature role model. When you first raped her it terrified her and she didn't know how to react; she felt embarrassed and thought that what you did had to be the right thing to do, so she let you continue and as a result began to think that she was a homosexual as well."

"That is a load of bullshit. Nothing you said was correct in anyway. Did you learn it from a website? We didn't just fuck each other randomly, we went out with each other for a while before we eventually had sex." I said honestly.

"Don't tell me rubbish like that. Are you going to say that the first time you had sex was when we caught you?" Her mother laughed.

"No, you are not listening to me. We did have sex when we were fifteen, but we did so after we both realized that we loved each other and had already been dating one another for several months."

"I used to think you were such a nice girl; you used to help Sakurako with her homework. But now I realize that it was all a ruse to abuse her."

"Don't change the subject. Where did you learn this nonsense from? Was it a stupid website?"

"No we asked a psychiatrist who specialises in helping people overcome their homosexual urges."

"Homosexuality is natural..."

She interrupted me, "No it isn't. As I have said, there have been studies, in America, that show that there is no correlation between identical twins, so it can't be genetic."

"Well, I don't know anything about that, but..."

"There have also been papers that show gays and lesbians have a lot of sexual partners over the course of their life."

"It is hard to have a loving relationship when you are constantly worried that your friends and parents might find out. That causes a lot of emotional stress."

"No it wouldn't. You have never even been in a proper relationship. You were just playing house. But if you were to go out with a guy you would realize, everything with Sakurako was a lie. There is still hope for you to find happiness, but you need to forget about Sakurako, as she has currently found a guy she likes and she's now going out with him. They are probably going to get married." I asked her if she was being serious: "Of course I am. She is much happier since she started dating him. She has told us that she never wants to see you again. Oh and I almost forgot something." She took out something from her pocket and placed it on the counter. "She is never going to live here again."

They were definitely her keys: I gave her a sakura key chain to go with her sunflower one. Which obviously symbolized our relationship. I just hope she hasn't removed her sunflower phone strap, as I still have my sakura one. That is now the last physical remnant of our relationship, other than my memories and photos; which I will need to take down as they are going to be quite painful to look at.

At this point I pretty much rejected everything she said. I picked up Sakurako's keys and, for some reason, I started crying. I pathetically whimpered out a mangled sentence, "Can you... please... leave."

I wasn't looking at them, as my eyes were downcast, but I imagine that they were looking down on me: "We will not, you are an adult now and can't simply cry and pretend that your misdeeds don't exist: you need to be punished for them. Just admit that you raped Sakurako and forced her to live here."

"No... I didn't." I said, I took a couple of deep breaths to try and regain my composure. "No amount of emotional manipulation will change reality."

"You need to be able to admit that you have a problem, before you can overcome that problem. Since you don't want to admit it, I must tell everyone here, the truth." At this point there were a lot of people in the shop, most of them bought something and then stuck around to see the shit unfold, which is deeply concerning. She continued her sanctimonious and thoroughly inaccurate speech, "Your parents have told me that while you were looking after your little sister, who is seven years younger than you, you actually raped her several times."

"No, I never. I could... would never be able to do anything like that." I just fell apart. Everyone in the shop was saying all sorts of terrible things. I really don't know why they are doing this, do they really want to destroy me and my business? They have to, otherwise why would they make up so much crap and spew it in this specific place?

I was uncontrollably crying at this point. Somehow, in a moment of clarity, I said; "Bring both of them here and have them state it to everyone. Because I did not do anything, even remotely related, to what you've said. I don't even believe that Sakurako doesn't want to live here anymore, let alone that Kaede, who I deeply cherish, would say such an outrageous lie about me."

"Fine we will. So just wait, we will be back just before closing time." They said superciliously. As they left, a small group followed them outside.

All I could do was turn around and go back inside. I am almost certain that from this one act of bullshit they have destroyed my business. Hitomi probably hates me and is going to quit. Why couldn't they just let me go on doing the thing I actually love doing. I love cooking, but if this business fails I will never be able to get another cooking business of the ground without financing it myself, which will take a long time to do.

So they have tried to take away both of my loves at the same time. I might as well kill myself now, or just get married to a man, at least he would be able to provide for me and all I would have to do is pump out food and babies. Maybe if I apologise to Kenta he would consider dating me.

I was dreading them coming back, especially with Kaede or Sakurako.

I kept crying to myself and my thoughts ended up becoming incredibly incoherent and negative.

It really isn't fair that two people, who hate me for having a relationship with their daughter, can so easily damage my credibility and reputation by telling the most blatant of lies. I need to have faith that people won't believe it.

Time slipped away from me. I was really upset: my mind was busy thinking of the worst case scenarios.

Eventually I heard a soft rapping. It was Hitomi; I was dreading what new kind of horrors she was going to unleash upon my despairing mind: "It is closing time. Since you didn't answer me, I had to ask Sara if she could help, she did but she has already left. I only told her that you were unable to help. She said it was fine. Um... Good bye."

I squeaked out a very quiet "Bye". She probably didn't hear it though.

She is never going to come back. The worst part is that she has definitely told Sara and now both of them will abandon me.

I have to be an awful person for all of this to happen.

Honestly I was in a haze of misery. I didn't really understand what was going on.

They are definitely her keys. She really isn't going to come back.

I tried to take my mind off of it by watching television, until that annoyed me too much; I used to love watching TV, but without her around to distract me from the annoying amount of adverts, I simply can't tolerate it. I also hate how most TV shows are terrible: it is like I know there are really great shows out there but whenever I need something to take my mind off of life, I can't find anything.

So I began reminiscing about my past with Sakurako. I even wrote it down.

A sudden knocking at my door caused a lot of panic within me. I really didn't get who it could be.

I slowly approached the door. When I looked through the hole and saw Sakurako standing there, I instantly ripped the door open. I extended my arms to hug her. The thoughts that were racing through my head were so outrageously positive, it was like the struggle had finally ended.

I didn't hug her: before I could realize what had happened, my arms were forced behind my back: I was being contained. I didn't know what was going on until I looked over and saw her father holding both of my arms.

They might have said something but I was too overwhelmed to notice. I asked them desperately, "What is the meaning of this?"

"Sakurako wants you to know about reality from her perspective." Her father said to me. "But you are too dangerous, you need to be controlled, otherwise she won't be able to freely state her mind."

It was only then that I realized she was holding a letter. I cried out, "Please Sakurako, tell them the truth. Please. I love you." I have never cried so much as I have on this day.

Her parents tried to drown me out by telling me to shut up and let her speak.

I could see tears forming in her beautiful, shimmering brown eyes, " _Him_... um... Furutani-san, I have never _lov_... felt any attraction for you. I never want to live with you ever again. I... I hate you. Uh, this letter will make everything clear." She was audibly forcing herself not to burst out into tears. "I... never... want... to see you... again." Immediately after that she began to cry.

Her mother put her arm around her and held her close. I would have if it wasn't for being physically restrained. She took the letter off of her and gave it to her father. "See, your presence alone makes her miserable. It must be all those awful memories flooding back into her mind."

Sakurako still looked beautiful even when she was crying. As her and her mother began to walk back, I shouted despondently, "I really need you Sakurako, I will always love you!"

Her father was still holding me. He was vehemently looking down at me. "I need to make sure you don't try anything at least until they are in the car. Make sure you read this letter carefully, she wrote it herself and it has her honest feelings in it." Eventually he let go of me and handed me the letter. "If you try to chase her or come to our house, I will beat you up. After all you want to be a man don't you? So you will get treated like a man."

"All I want to do is be with the person I love." I said.

"As long as they aren't my daughter, I don't care." He said as he released me and began to slowly walk away.

I stood there for a little while before going back inside. I didn't understand what exactly had happened.

I just sat by my table with my unfinished reminiscing on one side and that letter on the other.

I really wish I didn't read that fucking thing. I should have just burnt it. I can't write it out, but it basically says: Dear Furutani-san, I hate you. I have never loved you, in fact I was only your friend when you weren't constantly trying to seduce me. Eventually you did and you only did because I thought that is what I was supposed to do. But now that I am going out with a guy I can see that our relationship was fake and that you are just a creepy, disgusting pervert who has no place in our society. I wouldn't even care if you died. In fact I wish you did die, that way I can be truly happy again.

The only strange part of the letter is that it just stops after a while, it doesn't sign off with her name. I only know she wrote it because it is clearly her handwriting, although even that doesn't seem as natural as her usual handwriting for some reason. The spelling and sentence structure it is not like her usual style, but she did write it and then give it to me.

I don't know why this is happening, but all I know is that tomorrow I need to talk with Kaede. I need to know why she told anyone that I hurt her. She might not have, and it might have just been my parents telling lies to destroy my business and force me to come crawling back to them.

This is really painful, I absolutely cannot get to sleep. It is now about five o'clock in the morning and I am incapable of thinking about anything positively. But I have reached a conclusion: I have to be one of the worst people alive, and I must have actually raped both Kaede and Sakurako, but my mind altered those memories into positive ones. Hell I might have even kidnapped Sakurako and forced her to live with me. Every memory I have might be an elaborate lie to reinforce the idea that me and Sakurako were in a relationship. Perhaps I am better off dead.

The most illogical thing of all is the fact that I keep on crying? Where does all this water come from? Surely I have already used it all up. I shouldn't be able to cry constantly for an entire day.

Perhaps I should get out the alcohol again, but that would be one of the worst things I could ever do. Oh fuck, this turned from being about my wonderful past and was simply to keep me occupied until the day Sakurako returned and now it is a paper version of my though process. At least Sakurako can read this after my inevitable suicide and hopefully she'd understand that I only wanted her to be happy: that is all I want, if that means that I have nothing to do with her, then there is nothing I can do about that. But I wish it could be with me, so we could both be happy together: it is like my own paradise has become lost.


	6. Chapter 6

I kept thinking about what Sakurako's mother said about a study that proved that homosexuality isn't genetic, so I had to look it up online. It turns out that it is merely one study out of thousands: the most important part is that every single other one concluded that homosexuality has to be mostly genetic. Even that anomalous paper's authors concluded, in their own study, that their results were due to a very small amount of participants. I think Sakurako's parents used it as a source because they want to believe it, otherwise they abandoned Nadeshiko-onee-san for something she had no control over. Ultimately, they will have to come to terms with the fact that they had cast one of their own daughters away, over what is essentially nothing.

I should talk to Nadeshiko soon, she needs to know what is going on.

The most important thing to get from all of this is that I am now single. I am definitely not ready to get another serious girlfriend yet, but I could have some fun in the mean time. I am certain that I will never have a relationship as fulfilling as the one I had with Sakurako: we were so perfect for each other. I just need someone to quell my sexual desires; I know it won't be fair on the other girls I might go out with, but I don't think I will ever completely get over Sakurako and therefore I will not be able to fully involve myself with another person.

I want to send Sakurako a reply. Which would basically say that I have only ever wanted her to be happy; if she is happy with a guy, then I will support her, but I cannot be friends with her again.

If she is actually happy, then they should loosen their control over her and maybe I could see her again: after all, she wouldn't want to ruin her own happiness. The only reason I shouldn't be able to communicate with her is that she isn't happy. But at this point, where I don't have any evidence to the contrary, I have to assume that her parents are at least being honest about that; even though their current aversion to the truth should make me sceptical.

I didn't sleep at all last night and slowly the opening time draws closer. The main problem is that Hitomi is definitely not going to show up. In fact, I am so certain that today is going to be completely pointless, that I might as well not open the shop at all.

I need to move on, as I have done enough moping and pathetic self-abasement for a life time. I think I have to move on: as I am certain that Sakurako will never come back. If I don't I'll just be stuck in this rut that I have unwittingly created.

I know that I'm not ready for another girlfriend. I don't get how some people, like Toshinou-sempai, can bounce back and forth from one partner to the next, wouldn't that be incredibly, emotionally exhausting?

I really don't think there is any point in setting the shop up: Sunday is already a slow day, but now that everyone thinks that I'm a piece of shit, they will be more likely to go elsewhere. I bet most people, who are going to come here, will only want to ask about those rumours.

But I don't even know what the best way to respond is. Do I just state that they are lies or do I make my statements more emotional than that? After all I do deeply love both of them and it pains me to be forced away from their lives.

I really need to talk to Kaede, even though she wrote me that horrid letter which told me that she never wanted to see me again. But since it was delivered by my parents I have to assume that it is a part of their schemes.

I finished setting up and I have to open, even though neither of my employees have shown up.

After serving a couple of customers, Sara appeared.

She ran inside. While gasping for breath, she tried to excuse her behaviour, "I am, so sorry, I tried to, hand something in, and I accidentally got, caught up in, conversation, and forgot what the time was." Sara is quite energetic, she is a university student and therefore works part time: her shift mostly revolves around her schedule.

I greeted her timidly. Before I could ask her anything else, she continued; "Are you feeling okay? You sound really despondent, and you look exhausted."

I muttered some nonsense, as I had temporarily forgotten what I was going to say, but I eventually recovered. "Have you heard anything from Hitomi? She hasn't come in either."

"No, should I have? Sakurako still hasn't come back yet has she?" She is sometimes a bit too much to keep up with. Even more so than Sakurako.

"I don't know, I thought that you might have heard something from her."

"Why would I have, I thought she was your friend?"

"Hitomi, I was asking about Hitomi."

"Oh right, should I ring her?" I told her that she should and so she went into the back to ring Hitomi; I dreaded the answer.

The worst thing is that I have to tell her the truth about what is going on. Otherwise she will turn on me when she learns that her boss is rumoured to be a homosexual rapist.

I served two customers before she came back.

She came back shaking her head. "I cannot get a hold of her. I hope nothing serious has happened. She is such a nice girl."

"Can I talk to you about what happened yesterday."

"Yes, Hitomi told me a little bit, like how Sakurako's parents came here and were throwing around accusations."

"Do you know what kind of accusations?" I asked anxiously.

She shook her head, "Only that they were extremely upsetting to you."

"Yes..." There was an uncomfortable silence as a pair of customers came inside, they bought a bunch of sweets and left. We were almost frozen in place while this was occurring. The atmosphere felt very foreboding. "Would you have applied here if I was a man?"

"No, unless I knew you beforehand or you were very friendly."

"What about applying to a place where the employer... is a lesbian?"

"You're a lesbian?"

I didn't answer for a little while and avoided her gaze. She needed to know. It was now or never; I looked at her and said, "I am".

"Oh... That actually explains a lot."

"But would you not want to have a..."

She interrupted me. "Look you are are very nice person and, although lesbianism is disgusting and weird, you don't make me feel uncomfortable."

"I am sorry for hiding it, but I hope you understand why." She indicated that she did, so I continued, "You needed to know that about me, as it's related to what happened yesterday. Basically, I am, no, was... dating Sakurako, but our parents found out and they have since forced us apart. Her parents came into the store and accused me of doing some horrid things, particularly to Sakurako and Kaede."

"You hurt Kaede?"

"No I could never hurt Kaede. But that didn't stop them from accusing me of it."

"Is that why Kaede hasn't been here for the past week?"

"Yes, my parents don't want me to have anything to do with her. Therefore Kaede cannot communicate with me." I said vexed.

She paused for a little while. She looked as though she was in the middle of a mental crisis: she seemed to be morally conflicted. "That's... not fair. Just because you are a lesbian. Do you think that is why Hitomi isn't here?" I nodded my head in silence. She sighed, "I promise I will only quit if you do something that makes me have to quit."

"Thanks, that is all I want, honestly. I promise I won't hurt you." I try smiling at her, but I probably looked very creepy.

She snapped back to her usual enthusiasm, "So, when you say that you are a lesbian do you mean that you only fancy other women?" I nodded. "So if a really hot guy hit on you, you wouldn't be tempted at all?"

"I wouldn't see him as hot, merely as a guy. That happened yesterday actually, when Hitomi still thought I was straight."

She laughed, "Was she confused?"

"Very confused. She, and two other straight girls, were very confused as to why I rejected him as bluntly as I did. At least you find it amusing."

"I am sorry. Do you really not fancy guys at all?" After I confirmed her repetitious question, she went on in bemusement. "That is so weird. I couldn't even imagine seriously kissing another girl, let alone having sex with one."

"You've never kissed another girl, not even to flirt with guys?"

"That is completely different. You aren't really kissing them. But kissing a girl as I would kiss a guy is ridiculous. It seems... pointless."

"But from my point of view, everything you said is backwards. The only difference is that I wouldn't kiss a guy anywhere but the check. As long as they don't have facial hair, which is both ridiculous and disgusting; how can any girl put up with that?"

"Some girls actually want it." She exclaimed. "... Before this conversation, I honestly thought that lesbians were simply girls who couldn't get a boyfriend, were afraid of men or hated them. I didn't think any woman could not only prefer another woman, but exclusively desire women."

"Really?" I started laughing. What she said was hilariously absurd.

"Since you are a lesbian, does that mean that, when you look in the mirror, you can turn on yourself with your own body?"

I stopped laughing, "What... No, I don't think anyone would find their own body sexually attractive." I get why she asked that, but it is silly.

We had to pause our conversation, as there was a sudden increase in customers. But after they had gone, we were left with an uncomfortable silence.

She sighed. "I wouldn't have applied here if I knew that you and Sakurako were fucking... But as long as you two don't go around openly kissing each other or making uncomfortable references and jokes, or anything else that could make me uncomfortable, I will not want to quit."

That surprised me. I honestly wouldn't have thought that anyone would react like that over my sexuality. I mean as long as I am not doing anything sexual, why does my sexuality matter? I know that some people think homosexuality is gross, but why would you avoid the person, who isn't currently doing anything gay, and is merely in a loving relationship? It makes no sense.

Since most of my school friends are homosexuals, I probably don't understand how straight people think about us at all. I mean if I employed a man I wouldn't tell him to not hit on me, unless he tried to, as I think that most people understand that that sort of behaviour is inappropriate in the workplace.

Just as I gave up all hope of ever seeing Hitomi again, she appeared. She came in without her uniform on but with it in a bag. She immediately began to talk, "I am so sorry. I accidentally overslept and I put on something quick and ran over here. Can I get changed in the back?" She said as she walked past us and into the back of the shop.

We were both speechless. My mind was racing with thoughts. Her excuse was awful: especially the fact that she was wearing clothes that would have taken as long to put on as the uniform.

I casually walked into the back, as I wanted to thank her for not abandoning me. As I opened the door to the living room, I shouted out her name. I expected her to be in the bathroom or upstairs, somewhere that is normally used as a make shift changing room. But when I slid the door open, I saw her topless.

I closed the door as fast as I could. I cannot believe that I did something so stupid. I should have just waited until she was back before I tried to thank her. She must have thought that I did that on purpose: to check her out.

Both of them are pretty; Sara is rather cute while Hitomi is more conventional: with natural, shoulder length pink hair, which is normally tied back, with a kerchief, for work. They both have larger breasts than Sakurako, but that isn't saying much.

Because of the fact that I haven't had sex for over a week, I got really turned on by what I saw. My face was probably bright red for an hour or two afterwards.

After I closed the door, I had to lean against it: I felt immobilized by the amount of shame I was experiencing. I didn't know where to go from here. They are both clearly uncomfortable with the fact that I am gay and now I just made everything ten times worse.

"Hitomi," I said weakly, "I am so very sorry. I really didn't think you would be there." I might have cried a little bit, before I got myself back under control. I am totally pathetic.

You know when I said that I got myself under control. That was only a phase: I ended up sliding down the door and I became a useless, pathetic ball of sexual frustration. I was dismayed at everything. Normally I wouldn't get horny over something so minor but I kept thinking about my employee's boobs and how nice it would be to touch them. This is all Sakurako's parents unintentional fault; they reacted over nothing, which then caused me to react over nothing nearly two weeks later.

I felt three sequential knocks on the door. "Himawari, why have you blocked the door?"

"I don't know how I keep fucking everything up. I am so worthlessly pathetic."

She asked me if I wanted to talk to her.

I agreed and we awkwardly sat together on my settee, surrounded by pictures that need to be taken down. No matter what I couldn't think of anything I wanted to say; all I wanted to do was to run away.

"Himawari, I am sorry for being late. I, um, accidentally fell back asleep."

I mumbled that it was fine. I needed to speak as she was clearly uncomfortable about something, most likely the fact that I am gay. "I want you to talk to me if you have any problems with either me or the way the shop is run. I need you to be honest, that way this shop can run properly; I don't want you to keep any of your worries and problems bottled up."

She sighed, "Okay. I don't like the fact that you and Sakurako were dating each other." I internally panicked as to what was going to follow. "While I do think that lesbianism is gross, it is just that, well... I feel like you don't trust me." At this point I was very bemused, as she took another short break. "I have been working with the two of you for a long time now and I thought that you had already learnt to trust me. The fact that the two of you were dating is something that I should have been told about after awhile. I definitely didn't want to learn it from someone else. Our shop probably looked really silly to everyone: as the customers were asking me, if you were a lesbian or if you just raped your friend; but I couldn't answer it, as you hadn't told me anything about your relationship, so I just shrugged and said that you wouldn't do anything like that."

I was in an awed silence during that speech. It took me a little while to settle down. "Are you angry that we didn't tell you?"

"Obviously. I don't care if you are gay, but I would like to know if your sexual partner was living with us. I felt so betrayed that I was considering quitting. It is like I am not apart of your shop or life."

"I am really sorry. I never thought of it that way. I was focused on the fact that you would've either quit or hated me, if you found out that I was a lesbian." I said meekly.

"Did you really think that about me?"

"It is not just about you..." I told her about Nadeshiko and how she taught us to hide our relationship, and the consequence that happened when she was outed. How even their close friends turned on them afterwards.

"Really? Would people actually react like that?" She asked honestly. "I didn't know any homosexuals, before I came to work here, so I never really knew."

"Yeah, unfortunately some people really hate gay people. It can be quite random as to how a specific person will react. Sara was disgusted when I told her and I am not sure whether or not she will want to continue working here. But as long as you stay, I think I can manage." I smiled at her. I really hope she doesn't quit. She just smiled back.

I felt like such a terrible person during that entire conversation, I continually kept staring at her breasts. Regardless of the fact that the uniform doesn't even show any cleavage. That logic did not stop my subconscious from aggravating me.

We continued talking for a bit, I told her about how much I missed Sakurako and that I still loved her deeply, but Sara forced us to stop; she demanded that we help her, as she was getting overwhelmed.

I was amazed that no one had referenced what happened yesterday.

But not only that it might actually be busier than yesterday, which is definitely strange as Sunday is normally rather relaxed.

As I was working I saw a familiar blue haired figure: it was Kaede; and it seemed as though she actually wanted to see me. As she looked through the door, she appeared like a frightened deer.

The fact that she had come to visit me, made me so happy that I momentarily forgot the accusations against me.

Sara signalled for her to come inside, but she didn't move. It didn't even seem like she acknowledged it. Eventually, I decided to go to her.

As I began to approach her, I noticed that her expression changed from simple anxiety to pure terror.

When I got the door, she was running away. I shouted after her, "Kaede! Can I speak with you please?" She looked back and stopped. I was beginning to understand that she didn't want to be near me. "Can you stop moving away from me? Please!"

"Then stop coming closer." As she said that she held out what looked like a personal alarm.

I stopped and told her that I wouldn't come any closer: it hurt me to have to say that. It was awful to be forced to stand far away from someone who I used to protect. I asked her how she has been. She used to hold onto me when she was scared. I am fairly certain I gave that alarm to her, as she has always been very timid.

"Fine." She answered. I can't believe they told her to us that against me.

"Kaede, I need to ask you some questions, is that okay?" She shook her head. "Oh, then why have you come to my shop?"

"I was waiting for you to leave..." she started fidgeting, "I wanted to buy some sweets." She said innocently.

She is still the same anxious girl that she has always been. We act quite differently, if it wasn't for the fact that we look similar, I don't think many people would even think we are related. "The letter you wrote me, made me incredibly upset. Why don't you want to talk to me?"

She awkwardly squirmed, she talked quietly as if she didn't want to say it; "Because you have changed so much, you don't seem like my sister anymore. Mummy and daddy have also said that you could hurt me."

"Specifically, how have I changed?" She didn't respond to that question. She doesn't like being assertive, in any way, and is therefore a very passive person. I used to be like that but I had to change in order to look after her and Sakurako. "Was it because I was dating Sakurako?"

She shook her head. She briefly looked at me before averting her gaze.

"Please tell me why? I honestly haven't changed and I could never hurt you. Please, I really need support, particularly at this time. I have to know how I can fix our relationship. I need you in my life. I really, really love you. Obviously not the same way I loved Sakurako, so there isn't anything to worry about." I tried to approach her again, only for her to be repelled. "Please, I just want to talk to you like we used to." I desperately begged.

I really need her in my life: she makes me so happy, particularly when she acts so passionately towards me: like if I am sad, she will constantly fret over that and will be troubled by the fact that I am not happy. It is a bit silly, but it is so cute and wonderful. She is such a loving person, so full of happiness and wonder. But now when I look at her, she looks back with disgust. She despises me: that alone compounds everything that has happened, it makes my life so much worse.

"I can't. I will get in trouble."

"I won't tell them and if you don't say anything, then they cannot find out."

She shook her head, "I am terrible at lying like that."

"You don't have to lie, tell them that you had to see your sister."

"No they'll be very disappointed. I do have to live with them."

I started crying, lately I have been crying very easily, even though I was trying very hard to hold it back. While whimpering I told her; "Fine. I'll let you buy some sweets. I won't come out until you leave."

I turned back and walked towards the shop.

I was wishing that she would take pity on me and she'd run up and apologize.

That didn't happen.

I just walked back to the shop and went into the back room. I didn't even look at the CCTV footage of her.

They really have made her afraid of me. She looked genuinely scared when I tried to approach her. I can't believe they told her to use that alarm against me.

I have to get out tonight. Maybe I'll go to the lesbian bar. It is cute, and the only people who go there are either women who are interested in women, or women who want to drink without men. I could even pick up a pretty girl and ease my frustrations.

I need to do something, as it is becoming very clear to me that I need to move on. I have to. I can no longer mope and wallow in my misery and self-abasement; I need to try to emotionally move on. I need to find my next personal paradise that isn't related to Sakurako. I have to let her go, I need to move on: it is the only way forward.

I stayed in the back. They were fine on their own and if they needed me they could've called me. I was totally dejected. I felt like I had to be on my own.

After a while, I heard shouting in the front of the shop, shouting that was related to me. Someone was shouting about those rumours from yesterday.

I went in and told her that she is repeating slanderous lies and false accusations, which were made because of circumstances that she knows nothing about.

That didn't stop her. She said, "How dare you say that your victims are liars!" After I told her that they didn't accuse me of anything and that the accusations originated from a person who wants me to go out of business. She continued as if I didn't say anything. She told me that she was never going to shop here again and that she wished that I could go out of business.

Thankfully due her conduct, and lack of manners, everyone else in the shop complained about her instead.

This day was emotionally tiring. I constantly thought about Sakurako, but with a larger amount of sexual frustration: I wish that she would come into the shop and we could embrace one another.

I need to have sex, I may even hire a prostitute. I just wish I could be with her again. Or just talk with her privately, face to face.

I am trying my best to ignore these cravings, to try and keep myself occupied. Even this thing that I am writing is little more than a massive diversion for me.

After that one person, no one else brought up those lies. It was a surprisingly good day for me, business-wise. I had hoped that Kaede was only told to write that letter, and she didn't actually believe a word of it, but since she clearly does, Sakurako probably believes everything that she wrote as well.

Since I closed the shop, I have only continued these notes of mine. At about eight I will go out. Hopefully I will find some solace there.


	7. Chapter 7

When I was living with Sakurako, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what I was going to make for dinner. I used to plan it out the week before. I have always been very enthusiastic about cooking for her - I would normally spend five or so minutes just watching her, even before I had started eating.

Now I don't have any reason to care about what I eat, or any desire to make anything complicated. But when I have made dinner, I eat less than half. However, since it's a waste, I've decided to go out without eating anything: I don't feel hungry anyway.

I'm very nervous about this, as this'll be the first time I've tried to pick up anyone.

It's vital that I wear something appropriate. Rushing back and forth, trying on this or that. While erratically thinking: "This might work if I don't wear a bra. But then I might seem a bit too desperate", "This is definitely too casual for me to wear" and "I need to show off my breasts while also being warm enough to walk there". It has taken me about an hour to get my make-up to a level where I think I look sexy. It's not perfect, but it'll have to do.

Sakurako is actually really good at doing make-up, significantly better than me at least, so I'd normally let her do mine when we'd go out together. The face she made when she was concentrating, was both soothing and stimulating – I think that was why I'd helped her study as much as I did.

I'm very apprehensive about going to the local women's bar. I haven't been there since Sakurako was still living with me, and I'm afraid of what people will think. But I'll have to go there eventually: I don't want a repeat of what happened two days ago.

As I walked into the bar, everyone turned and stared at me. At the same time the room became silent, until they turned back to speculate on my solitary state.

I tried to see if I recognized anyone here, there are a couple of people whom I'm acquainted with but they are in rather large or intimate groups and I would rather not intrude. There are also women who I would rather not flirt with at all, but they're normally the more masculine ones: I'm not interested in anyone who is like a man.

It's hard for me to do things like this. I get very self-conscious way too easily and end up in a state of embarrassment. I normally get around this by not going out alone, but since most of my friends either already have a partner or are probably doing something else, I decided to force myself to go on my own.

I get minor anxiety very easily and I get too afraid to approaching anyone. Sakurako was a big help for me, as she can talk to anyone regardless of who they are. She allowed me to have more friends than I otherwise could ever have had.

I already felt awkward. As several people greeted me. The strangest thing was how most of them already knew about me and Sakurako. I guess gossip of that nature spreads fast.

Nervously, I excused myself out of several conversations with the excuse of getting a drink.

I was already thinking about retreating as I approached the bar.

As I asked for a drink, I was internally panicking. I assumed that I wouldn't be able to do anything, let alone pick up a hot girl.

The barmaid came back with a pint of beer and asked: "Where's Sakurako? I don't think I have seen you here alone before now."

"We are no longer together," I answered sombrely, as I handed her a ¥1000 note.

Almost as soon as I received the change, I experienced a shock: someone grabbed both of my breasts and squeezed them.

I might have let out a loud squeal.

"Yo Boobs-chan!" exclaimed a familiar voice.

"Toshinou-senpai? _Wha_?"

"Well I tried to call you over but you completely blanked me."

"... Did I?" I asked.

"It's okay Boobs-chan, I forgive you."

"I'm certain that I have previously told you not to call me that."

"I'm also certain that I've told you to call me Kyouko haven't I?" she said and smiled innocently at me.

"Possibly, but it just feels unnatural as I have always called you Toshinou-senpai."

"But we are friends aren't we?" she said, as she stroked my arm, "when you call me Toshinou-senpai it sounds like we barely know each other, doesn't it?"

She had been continuously smiling at me.

I had thought that she seemed pretty cute for some reason.

"Have, uh, have you got a drink Tosh... Kyouko?" I asked. I was probably coming on too strong, particularly by the way I said it.

Her response was sweet though: "You said it! Well, Himawari, I was thinking about getting something different this time." she said cutely.

"Would you like me to get it?"

She laughed.

I hesitated. I only partly understood why she'd mocked me. I thought: "Why is she laughing? Did I do something wrong? But it isn't like I am trying to flirt with her, is it? I am just being polite."

I stood there, bemused by her reaction.

"Sorry, sorry," she snickered, "you're too cute."

"Okay, so you don't want me to get you anything," I said confused.

"I am sorry, but you shouldn't ask anyone something like that. That is like asking someone if you can flirt with them. But if you're offering I'll have a rum and coke."

While I waited for her drink I asked her, "Kyouko, did you come her with anyone?"

She didn't answer until I got her drink.

"No, I was sitting over there. It was rather awkward as they were a couple and probably wanted to be on their own. Should we get a table?"

I agreed and we walked over to a small circular table.

"But to answer your question, I didn't come here with anyone. I want to be single for a little while, to give me a little space to think and have a some fun."

When she said that it triggered a memory: Yoshikawa-san told me that Toshinou-senpai and Funami-senpai had got back together. So either they split up since two days ago or Yoshikawa-san was wrong and somehow misinterpreted their friendship as something more intimate.

I probably should've asked her.

"Why are you here? Especially all alone?" she asked.

"Well, me and Sakurako broke up," I said, but before I could say anything more she interrupted me:

"Oh that is terrible. You two were seemingly perfect for each other, to the point that most of us were jealous of how strong your relationship was. So what was the reason you broke up? Was it petty or did she cheat on you?"

"Our parents found out, they split us apart and now Sakurako is going out with a guy."

"That's awful. I'm glad my parents don't know about my sexuality."

"Do they think you're straight or do they try ignore it?"

"They occasionally ask if I've found a guy or if I would want to date one of their friends' sons. But they don't seem like they care that much."

"But they don't know you have had a series of relationships with other women?"

She laughed, "I don't know actually. They might. It would be hard for them to not be able to piece together the clues. But I don't think they want to."

"I thought my parents we like that. They said a couple of things which I'd interpreted to mean that they knew and were okay with my life. But I was completely wrong. When they actually found out, they were disgusted by me, so much so they are afraid that I might turn Kaede into a lesbian," I said.

After I finished Toshinou-sempai took hold of my left hand.

I froze in place, uncertain as to what to do. As she looked into my eyes, she began to stroke my hand. Her smile was beautiful - although she would look so much prettier with shoulder length hair.

I continued; "I really wish that they would just accept me. I am really worried that they'll hate me for the rest of my life. The worst part is that I'll still love them..." She kissed my hand. Her lips were soft and warm.

I pulled my hand back in confusion.

"I would rather not talk about such depressing topics," she said, while gazing into my eyes. "Why don't we talk about something pleasant." As she said the word "pleasant", she smiled seductively.

At that moment I felt this eruption of urges I haven't felt since before I was dating Sakurako. I suddenly became very self-aware of all of my blatant, and painfully obvious, attempts at flirtation.

"Um... Himawari?" she asked, breaking my concentration. "I hope I am not boring you too much, but it is rude to just blank me like that."

"S-sorry, I didn't mean to. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Oh," she pouted, "It's fine. I mean we've never been particularly close have we? Even though we spent so much time together during school." Her entire body language shifted to reflect her new-found sulkiness. "I mean all I wanted to know is if you've seen Chitose around at all, because I haven't seen her in awhile."

Ignoring her childish behaviour I answered: "Last I knew was that her and Chizuru have decided to continue living together, after they moved to be closer to their parents, now that their dad has stopped moving around as much."

"Her and Chizuru? That is kinda cute. It is a shame they live so far away."

"They said they intended to visit every so often but I guess life has overwhelmed them. It has only been about half a year, so they could come back to visit at any time."

"But I'm surprised that she hasn't contacted you."

"Originally, she had done so, but she has since stopped contacting me. I probably should catch up with them soon."

It took me too long to notice that she was actually flirting with me. I have heard that she wanted to sleep with as many of her friends from school as she can. She has always been very open about that sort of thing, even to the point of groping and flirting to anyone at every possible opportunity. It seemed innocent during middle school and deliberate during high school, she has always been very sexual.

The worst thing is that I really didn't want to do anything with her, I felt like it would've been something that I'd later come to regret. Despite that, when she started rubbing my legs with her feet I failed to resist. By this point she had definitely understood the weakness of my position.

Honestly, I feel awful writing this up: it was like my logical capabilities were overridden and I had no willpower to resist her seduction.

She had overwhelmed me, I suddenly started to notice little things about her, like the smell of her perfume, it was this mild flowery aroma that was childish yet inviting; the bold colour of her lipstick, that matched the colour of her checks; her long, thick eyelashes, which may or may not be fake, I haven't paid that much attention to her eyelashes before; and her light blonde hair, it's colour is so bright that it is almost glistening in the sombre light.

Eventually we got to a point where we had both had a bit too much to drink, and the conversations took a very sexual turn.

"Okay, so have you only been in a relationship with Sakurako, right?" I nodded my head. "So, what I wanted to ask... was how many girls have you actually slept with?" As she asked this, she smiled naughtily.

At first I looked at her with bemusement, as I was certain that she could work out how many people I have slept with by the amount of relationships I have been in: "Isn't that obvious?" I asked innocently.

"No, no, no! It isn't. It really isn't. Like for example I have had sex with... well, obviously Yui and Ayano, then I managed to convince Chinastu. Outside of our group, I've slept with..." She started rattling off a bunch of names, I can't remember them all honesty. "... which brings the grand total to around fourteen lovely ladies, if I didn't forget anyone, while I have only been in about four or five relationships."

"How many people have you dated though?"

"Me? Oh, only Yui and Ayano."

"Really?" I asked in amazement. "You never tried to go out with anyone else?"

"I really do love them both, but they get too clingy. They both want me to choose one of them and settle down," the last part was said in a very mocking tone, "But I am only going to be young and beautiful and sexy for... my whole life and as a result I can not waste my time by doing dull, boring things I don't want to do."

I was in an awed silence: uncertain as to whether she was joking. I don't get how anyone could hold such a position, isn't being in a loving relationship something that everyone desires? I don't get why you would intentionally hurt the people who are closest to you. I could never do something like that, in fact I have lived my whole life doing the exact opposite; trying to make another person's life better by loving and nurturing them- even if she seems like she no longer needs or wants me.

As I wrote that I started to cry, so I will apologize henceforth if the ink smudges.

Getting back to my thoughts at that time; I was desperately trying to suppress my thoughts about Sakurako, because I was there to get away from my home filled with memories.

"You're really distracted tonight aren't you?" she said with a big smile, "But I know what you want and why you came here." She laughed, then began rubbing my legs under the table again.

By this point I had decided to go for it. This was going to be my first step away from my old self. I need to move on or I will remain in this state for the rest of my life.

I not only responded to her advances, but I also physically moved myself closer to her.

We kissed each other. It felt strange. The way she kissed me was different from what I was used to. Her tongue danced in my mouth like an unsteady drunken girl.

After that she proceeded to try and make me feel as uncomfortable as possible, groping my breasts as rough as she could, forcing her way as close to my vagina as possible. She was like an octopus.

I was too drunk to properly tell her off. So I let her and I slowly stopped caring all together.

With my head spinning in circles I let her take me to a hotel. She wouldn't stop caressing me. It was aggressive, nonsensical and both overwhelming and at times underwhelming. I didn't really understand what she was saying or doing.

The thing I remembered most about the journey there was the taxi driver, he wouldn't stop making sexual remarks. He seemed very uncomfortable about the fact that he was taking two young women to a love hotel. It might have been the fact that we were almost fucking each other in the back of his taxi. I cannot remember much of what he said, but I do remember saying something along the lines of: "We don't need men when we have each other, they are superfluous." I don't think he responded to what I said.

I was sick after about five minutes after we entered our room. I was in a really bad way at that point.

Several minutes after I threw up I – thankfully – regained some composure and a smidgen of understanding about my situation.

"I can't do it," I said as she kept touching and kissing me.

"Look, it'll be fine. Just relax and I'll do the work," she said tenderly.

It was very hard to resist. My mind slowly began to undo all of the flirtation, it didn't make sense that she could split up with Funami-senpai so soon after getting back together.

The main thing that caused these thoughts was that Yui rang her, it was clear that she was trying to fuck me instead of fucking her girlfriend. I couldn't hurt Funami-senpai like that. If I did sleep with her now, I would never be able to talk to Yui again.

I got up from the bed. I had enough. She kept trying to take off my clothes or feel my vagina and I knew that if she started pleasuring me, my sexual frustration would cause me to have sex with her.

"Stop it! Just stop it. I can't have sex with you." I shouted.

"Why? Look I am not going out with anyone, I don't know why Yui keeps ringing me but I'm not dating her."

"I don't believe you," I said shaking my head, "if I was to have sex with you now, I couldn't talk to Yui or Ayano again."

"Why? I promise our sexual encounter will never leave this room."

I laughed.

"I really don't believe you now. But even so, I will feel awful if I talked to them after this. The fact that I fucked someone very close to them, someone they love dearly." I said.

"They don't love me anymore. Why would they?"

"Of course they do," I paused, uncertain as to say anything more, "in fact... I know they have to, you can't spend that much time loving and caring about someone and not think about them constantly, regardless of how uncaring you pretend to be. They will certainly be the same and therefore the misery I feel will be similar to what they'll feel. I need that stupid girl. It doesn't matter how much I pretend, or how aggressively I shut out those thoughts and desires. I need her right now. I love her with all of my fucking soul and that is why I can't do this. It feels wrong, this whole fucking thing feels wrong. We aren't supposed to do this. I know we aren't," I began to cry. My voice became erratic and hoarse. "She is the one I love and so to have sex with someone similar enough is awful. But I can't and not only can I not, but I won't. It doesn't matter how sexy or hot you might be, you being someone who isn't my beloved Sakurako makes this impossible."

"Have you finished?" she didn't even seem to care. "But what is the point of such extreme loyalty, especially when she is probably fucking her boyfriend right about now."

I snapped.

"Who the fuck told you that?"

"You did? Remember?" she said. I shook my head. "She has moved on, and so should you. It is unhealthy to spend so much time wishing life to be different. I know I would love to not fuck my relationships up, but I have desires and wants that they don't or can't fulfil. It just happens, she might actually want to have children or to have a husband."

"But why? Don't you realize it hurts them?"

"You slowly push that out of your mind and you think only about the immediate benefit. The pleasure of fucking someone who you have wanted to for a long time."

"Is that why you want to fuck me?"

"Uh... Kinda, I really want to know what it is like to have sex with someone with tits as big as yours," she paused for a little while, probably uncertain as to whether she should continue, "I would really love to see them. They're so soft, big and wondrous."

She stopped and with her head hung low, she seemed to be crying. I don't think I have ever seen her like this. I have always assumed that she was simply an immature woman, desperately fighting against her own age.

In between sobs, gasps and wiping away her tears, she talked to me: "I hate it, I hate how everything has changed. It is almost as if everyone I knew had been changed and replaced by people who look like them but are different in minor ways. I know they've merely grown up and matured, so their attitudes have been altered. But even though everyone has changed, I feel exactly the same as I always have: like I haven't moved at all, just stuck in place."

She stopped crying as much and became vexed: "When I look at you I see a woman whose similar to a friend I had had in middle school, but you can't be the same, as you're a mature woman; a woman who is clearly too old to be her. And as I said, I'm the same as I've always been - I've only gone up one cup size since middle school. It's not fair that time keeps moving on without me.

"The real change was when I got asked out by Ayano for the first time. I expected everything to stay the same. Same old Amusement club, same old flirting with anyone that I want. But suddenly people starting treating me differently, especially Yui who treated me like a different person. No longer would she be my comic foil, instead she responded coldly, without emotion or any type of humour or comedy. Time has only made that scenario worse. Now she tells me to stop joking around, to start taking things seriously. I mean she wants me to get a job to help support her. She doesn't even care about my artistic pursuits. There was a time when she'd help me with my manga and even went along to Comiket with me. But now she says she can't as her own deadlines are approaching and she can't get anymore time off work.

"The other problem is that the only manga that people want is my doujinshi, whenever I try something new or original I either don't get published – but even if it does it gets dropped too soon – or it isn't popular enough. It's exhausting to put so much effort into something and have it ignored. Mirakurun is the only thing I do that both sells and I love doing.

"Although, I don't make much off of manga anyway. I am not like you, who can make a living off of your passions."

We both went silent. I don't know why she started ranting about her life, after all it's me who hasn't grown up. Hell I still love my school crush, even after I learnt that I need to move on.

"I work hard keeping my business going, it isn't something that just happens on it's own. I know I'm making money, as I keep careful track of how much money I make, but it isn't something that magically happens. During the more difficult periods you do need to be very careful with your time and money, there will always be times when you are only losing money and everything looks like it's about to collapse. But doing what you love is a struggle, a constant absurd struggle. Like pushing a boulder up a mountain for eternity. You can't rationalize it, all you can do it is keep at it. Though it burns your heart, you must keep up, you have to; anything else will be nonsensical."

She laughed for a little while.

"What a load of shit. All I want is to do what I love doing, with someone I love and be able to maintain myself," she said mockingly.

"But I thought you wanted to have sex with as many women as you can?" I asked honestly.

"Exactly, I love both manga and women! I should be able to do both, then come home to another woman whom I love deeply rather than superficially."

"So you want to have no consequences for your flirtatious behaviour?"

"Yep, like when I was fourteen. They were good times though weren't they. Every day had something unique and fun, whether it was planning to scare Ayano or going flower viewing," she had a happy grin on her face when she was reminiscing. It's hard to move on with your life when you believe that the past is always going to be better than anything possible in the future.

"I dunno. In all honesty I preferred my adult life with Sakurako. I agree that being in middle school was fun, but I only considered it positive, when it had ended with me and Sakurako living together. But now those memories are embarrassing to think about. I cannot believe how awkward and stupid I was, I should've realized my love sooner and pursued her earlier; that way I would have more happy memories and my middle school memories wouldn't be filled with me and her fighting for half of it, then awkwardly interacting for the other half.

"Oh god how I wish I could be with her again. To feel her and embrace her soft, fair skin and kiss her sweet vagina, hear her moan in ecstasy and make her orgasm innumerable times."

Kyouko laughed, "I can't believe you jumped straight to eating her pussy out. You need some grace and manners."

"I have to make up for all the time we lost," I sighed, reminiscing on all of the pleasure we've had. "I love her so much. I am too weak to move on. I am pathetic aren't I."

"Yes you are," she said bluntly, "she has moved on and so should you. I'll have sex with you if you want to. After all you do need to release that frustration that has clearly built up."

"Maybe I should ask her..."

She interrupted me: "Don't. Stop. You need to move on. She's gone, gone over to the other side. You cannot concern yourself with her anymore. You have to move on. You need to move on."

I can't. I really did try. I tried to hide my grief behind this need to move on, but in reality it'll take a while to actually get over her.

But why should I get over her. I need that girl. Everything about me and my life has been thrown out of balance since she left me. I clearly love her and I don't think that my passion can ever go away. She was literally the light in my life, she was the reason I cared. The reason I got up, made sweets when I was at middle school - I pretended that she had nothing to do with it as I gave her the "leftovers" - but in truth she inspired such great things within me. I don't want that passion to end like this. It cannot end like this.

I really should march over to her house and demand to see that spoilt little girl and try to win her back. Our relationship was so strong that the only thing that could stop it was the entire force of societal values forcing us apart.

All I should need to do is to remind her of that love and that desire – which can never end. For it to end is to kill both of us. We need each other, the same way that the sunflower or the sakura tree needs sunlight and water. If we don't have each other than we shall wilt and die.

Maybe I could challenge her boyfriend to a fight, it doesn't matter if I get beaten up at least I will prove to her that my love is prepared to go through anything to get her back. Maybe even a voyage or journey of some description.

Ever since I came back I have had this urge or desire to run to her.

I'll quickly sum up what happened after Toshinou-senpai interrupted me – I didn't really respond and then she went back to begging me for sex, I reacted aggressively and left. By this point my mind was going overtime thinking about running to Sakurako's house, sweeping her off her feet and taking her back. And how we'll kiss each other and have lots of sex when we return.

By the time I walked back to my house it was too late to do that.

In fact maybe I could write her a letter and put it through her door. I would have to make it look like a proper official letter so her parents don't intercept it. Then I could properly express my anger at her. My frustrated, sexual anger. All I want is for her to know my feelings and how legitimate my feelings for her are. She has to know and maybe then we could have a proper break-up, none of that stupid crap with her parents, just me and her talking to one another again. In fact her boyfriend could even be there, then I could fight him and prove the strength of my love.

But I have to do something, if I don't I might just wither and die.


End file.
